The U.S. Department of Commerce has been hacked by Russia by way of SolarWinds. That means that the subsidiary U.S. Census Bureau has been hacked by Russia by way of SolarWinds. That means that the subsidiary of the Census Bureau called the American Community Survey has been hacked by Russia by way of SolarWinds. That means that all ultrapersonal intimate details of one’s entire life forced out of American citizens in good standing by threat of up to a $5,000.00 fine and up to five years in prison is now held by Russian Intelligence Services. But the ACS already knew that, right? I mean, they have the best of the best of DARPA COMPASS working for them, right? It’s, like, impossible that they wouldn’t have known this since – what? – at least as early as March 2020. Wow. This is gangster land, isn’t it? Those are just some questions. But what do I know? Zippo.
As I continue to critique the ACS for use by priests, I’ll evaluate certain questions that make it all very impossible, even for seemingly mundane questions, such as:
Question 14.a. Does this person speak a language other than English at home?
Answer: Since most priests live alone it’s a stupid question. If a person lives alone they don’t speak any languages at home, right? It’s like asking whether a celibate priest has stopped beating his wife. Um…
Oh, but wait! I do speak at home. I speak to Shadow-dog and Laudie-dog saying, yes, in English:
- Goooood daaawg!
- To Laudie-dog: Good girl!
- To Shadow-dog: Good boy!
- To both dogs while entering the rectory: Come on in!
- Or when I’m leaving the rectory: I gotta go! Let’s go!
As to the part of the question (14.b.) which asks what that other spoken language is, I mean, for a priest, what if I were to write down what Saint Paul speaks about in his letter to the Corinthians, about speaking in tongues?
The problem is that the interrogation only asks for what the one “other” language is. But I often pray in many languages, and out loud, you know, to the other Person who lives with me in a chapel: Jesus in the Most Blessed Sacrament in the Tabernacle. Let’s see, what are languages that I know well or that I’ve at least studied or stared at until I could see a bit better what was happening? In general categories, let’s see:
English, German (mostly hoch Deutsch), Italian (mostly Roman street Italian, like damose da fa or nam a magna…), French, Spanish, Hebrew (modern, biblical, ultra-ancient), Greek (Biblical and the smattering of the ultra-weirdness of modern Greek), and, I mean, I dunno, similar things like Portuguese or whatever. Surely quite a bit of Latin (ecclesial and some archaic usages), and just bits and pieces of Chinese, ancient Egyptian, Coptic. Quite a bit of Syriac, Aramaic. Bits and pieces of Akkadian, Sumerian. I did study a grammar of Miskito, which is a language spoken by that native tribe on the eastern edges of Honduras, Nicaragua and right down to the border of Venezuela. I put the Hail Mary in that language to music that I played on the guitar way, way back in the day. That grammar was put together by a great Capuchin bishop from Wisconsin.
So, I mean, how do I even begin to answer? No matter what I write down as to whether or not I speak any language at all at home and what any language is the ACS will be able to say that I’m lying. So, why bother?
Anyway, all my little circumstances don’t matter one bit.
What does matter is that millions of peoples’ sworn autobiographies which they thought were totally private are now owned by Russia.
Oh, and I forgot, I did start staring at a Russian grammar as well. It’s a bad sign when you forget how many languages you’ve stared at in your life and can’t quite get a hold of how many of those you speak at home.
What we do know is that those at the U.S. Census Bureau and the American Community Survey speak Russian really, really well. ;-)