Category Archives: Humor

Seen in Police Department Squad Room

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That’s called the First Amendment, my friends. It’s not some sort of political foray other than to state appreciation for the most pro-police president the nation has ever had.

Here’s a detail of what was also seen:

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By the way, that’s not some sort of Blue Lives Matter reaction to anything. Instead, it’s called a Thin Blue Line flag which stands in solidarity with those who have been ambushed, killed, assassinated in the Line of Duty. Our police are the thin blue line between civilization and marxist chaos. It stands in solidarity with the families and communities who have suffered such horrific loss of life.

I was gifted the picture, the bill, and the flag the other day, but I’m reintroducing them for the moment, anyway, as I believe they are morale boosters. All police need a boost in morale that these days. It’s essential.

Also, just to say, again, I must thank the town for having arranged for an increase in the police budget and an increase in training.

For the haters out there… Cool your jets… The $20.00 bill is not some crime, clearly stating, as it does, that it is not legal tender.

What we must do is stand in solidarity with those who risk their lives at every incident, every domestic, every traffic stop, as things can go from 0 to 100 in less than a second.

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Customs and Border Protection irony for my “Shadow”: Lest we forget.

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The statue of Saint Michael was sent in by […] years ago. Already at that time he was one of the main trainers for agents up in Northeast Virginia, Maryland and D.C.

I am NOT CBP. The official hat came my way just the other day from a lad who just passed all exams and is now on his first assignment for CBP. I told him that it would remind me to pray the Saint Michael prayer for him. He liked that, a lot.

The humor and irony of this is about as biting as it can get. Just ask my “Shadow” who, instead, is like an archetype for “Lord of War.” That might be understood by some longtime readers of this blog.

Having gotten over the humor and irony, however, I am sobered by the uncountable deaths of those Fast and Furious has aided in bringing about, and by the death of Brian Terry. Lest we forget.

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Seattle entitlement list: ammo and guns?!

I see that Seattle’s CHAZ-CHOP or as I like to call it CHEZ – pronounced “CHEESE” – (Capital Hill Entitlement Zone) wants to be self sufficient in their new independent nation defined by entitlement that is dependent on the very ones they are pulling guns upon. Some of their “demands” in their safe space that is protected, mind you, by “military grade ausault weapons systems”, are the following:

As they continue gun down young people at will with the blessing and encouragement of Seattle’s mayor – who should be up for war crimes – I’m sure the demands will be along the lines of more guns, better guns (“the good kind”), more military assault type guns, more ammo of all kinds, more knives, more chains, more baseball bats, more machetes, more bomb making equipment, all of which, you know, is to be “the good kind”.

Ah, the entitled. They’re all the same. Bullies even in their own “safe spaces” of murder and arson and looting and total hell. Yep.

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Filed under Humor, Politics

This priest’s garden in mid-June 2020

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Cucumbers, Yellow Squash, Spaghetti Squash, Lettuce, Early Girl Tomatoes, Big Boy Tomatoes, Beef Steak Tomatoes, Hybrid Tomatoes, Lettuce, Asparagus and a 1000 times Asparagus.

It’s a crazy time in mid-June 2020. At the same time, God is good.

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Deescalating tender snowflake bullies. Humor in the midst of chaos. I laughed.

tender snowflake finger on trigger ar 15

If you know anything about ArmaLite Rifles, say, number 15, as in AR-15, you know this this tender snowflake thug has his fingertip touching the trigger. He stole that from a police vehicle that the thugs were ransacking, and had fired it into the air. It was chambered with a full magazine.

But since all bullies like this – who dishonor the gentle giant, ever so polite and soft spoken George Floyd, by the way, what with George Floyd having worked with youth to help them NOT to become thugs – … since bullies like this are always tender snowflakes entitled to be bullies and expecting everyone to let them smash everyone down, they are never prepared for real confrontation unto deescalation.

By the way and just to say. The finger on the trigger thing is a sign that this guy, like most all thugs, is NOT practiced with weaponry. You just NEVER have your finger on the trigger unless you are ready to kill. And he was waving the rifle around thoughtlessly, with crowds of people in every direction. Having a finger on the trigger under these conditions signifies a court-accepted fact of an imminent and deadly threat being presented. Always, every time. I myself saw this finger on the trigger thing by yet another thug and buffoon just a few weeks ago. It’s not good…

So, what to do? 13FOX knew what to do. They had a security guard with them, not just a guy who qualified for this with a written exam, but rather, I’m guessing, a retired SpecOps guy, probably doing jobs like this to get money to care better for his family in times of Covid-19.

He sees the finger on the trigger thing and instantly charges the scrawny bully:

press security removes ar 15 from tender snowflake

You can see that our security guard, entering the picture to the left, has his trigger finger high above the trigger guard, on the barrel of the pistol, as it should be. In a nanosecond he’s acquired the AR-15 with absolutely no one hurt. In the next nanosecond our hero has dumped the magazine out of that AR-15 and un-chambered the next round, always aware of his surroundings at any given nano-second. Absolute Perfection. I love it. It’s what one expects from practiced training. When I saw the twitter videos of this I must say that I laughed out loud. This is the 2nd amendment at its absolute best. Kudos to this guy. I’m impressed. I don’t know if you can see this on WordPress but if you can’t, you can look it up. It’s hilarious.

I’m told by a reader who sent in this story that 911 was called and the AR-15 was given to authorities. The kind reader says: “I’m no expert at all, but it looks *really* professional to me.” Yes, indeed. Our reader continues:

“Same incident from a different angle. Can hear him yelling ‘PUT THE WEAPON DOWN!'”

“I think everyone on that city block knew instantly they were in the presence of someone who had total control over his movements, over his weapon, and over the situation.”

Yes. Indeed.

I mentioned to one of our elderly parishioners the other day that I was out of practice, ever since Ammo shot up in price, so to speak, because of Covid-19, and now this. I mentioned that my totally anomalous fluke all-time best for target practice with the drill being (from a serpa locked holster) two to the body (for me a 4 inch by 4 box), and one to the head (for me that being a 3 inch by 3 inch box) on a piece of paper 25 feet away, was 1.01 seconds on a shot timer. I instantly followed that with the admission that I will never get that under one second, what with little ammo round about. But she encouraged me that it’ll all come right back, and I just might break the one second thing. I’m happy for the second amendment these days.

Again, kudos to the guy in the video above. I’m sure he’s got stories to tell.

Forgive me, but I just had to inject a little humor during these weird times.

It’s time to run up to church to offer Holy Mass. I think it might be…

♬  Latin ♬ Mass ♬ Monday ♬

I need lyrics for that last phrase. Anyone?

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Filed under Guns, Humor, Law enforcement

“Who Let the Dogs Out?” Shadow-dog baits anti-Catholic. State Dept to the rescue.

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Due to a Shadow-dog related incident this past Monday, mid-morning, this post is offered for the record, in case a very much one-sided confrontation is escalated.

who let the dogs out opening scene

So, as the police chaplain, I have to ask:

During the day the security situation is like this with innocent Shadow-dog:

When confronting a GSD like Shadow-dog, don’t be afraid, don’t be aggressive, don’t be suspicious, don’t be malicious, don’t be scolding, don’t be fake-nice (dogs see through all that passive-aggressive rubbish), just be yourself. This is how it should be when encountering people, right?

Meanwhile, Shadow-dog is ready to play, carrying his fetch-toy wherever he goes on his patrols of the fenceline, always game for gaming. He will ever so gently touch Laudie-dog on her shoulder with this fetch-toy. She will jack up the stakes, gaming his gaming, to his delight.

Shadow-dog likes the playfulness of Laudie-dog, but invites playfulness with the backyard neighbor’s old yet playful and big white dog (possibly some kind of quite shaggy Sheep-dog). The invitation – of course in the form of squeaky barking and hopping around on his own side of the fence – isn’t reciprocated, which is frustrating for Shadow-dog.

The situation for Shadow-dog isn’t much better with the next door neighbor’s therapy pony – not much bigger than Shadow-dog. Cooper, the therapy pony, will munch on the same blade of grass for minutes at a time, egging on the invitations of Shadow-dog to play. When Shadow-dog calms down, Cooper the therapy pony will slightly move a hoof, starting the barking invitations of Shadow-dog all over again.

But here’s the deal: all the neighbors find all this to be entirely humorous, laughing at how Shadow-dog is baited by other dogs and ponies. All are perfectly fine with Shadow-dog’s playfulness and voiced invitations to play. Not only are they not bothered, but they are grateful for his antics. They know that he is the reason for a lack of home invasions in our immediate section of the neighborhood. There are rough elements with equally rough crimes (such as murder and assault) which we are all happy to avoid.

On another level – apart from playfulness -Shadow-dog cannot be baited, but instead does the baiting. Anyone taking a fleeting glance at Shadow-dog knows that he could literally rip any human being to shreds should they prove to be malicious in ripping yours truly apart in front of him. He wouldn’t just let that go. Neither would relatively diminuative Laudie-dog for that matter. Shadow-dog could jump fence anytime with zero effort. But he doesn’t. GSDs are loyal to their human servants and their own well-defined territory of responsibility. Some few human beings are mean to him, even having shot at him, accurately, with a pellet gun a number of times. Laudie-dog was also shot, once with bird-shot of – I’m guessing – a 4.10, and once with a pellet gun. Neither of them retaliate. Laudie-dog is too sweet. Shadow-dog is also good to go, as long as he has his own domain under control, with no one who is entirely malicious to the death inside his environs.

During the night the security situation is like this with innocent Shadow-dog:

At night it’s more difficult to ascertain who human beings are, where they are, and what they are doing. Ask LEOs. They say that nothing good happens on the street after 10:00 PM. Nighttime brings out a whole other population of human beings, many of whom are, in fact, malicious. So many beheadings and murders and burnings of other human beings in the area and region demonstrate the objective malice. Shadow-dog knows this well enough.

Shadow-dog, as a GSD – a kind of wolf – has an upped sense of situational awareness. Far from paranoia, categorically diverse from paranoia – not even on the same spectrum – is situational awareness, which instead looks for solutions of deescalation in any given situation, of escape in any situation, or, if it cannot be avoided, how to fight in any situation, etc.

But Shadow-dog ups this by baiting out and downright provoking a reaction. This is not necessarily what human beings should do in direct encounters with possibly and especially probably malicious individuals. But dogs are spectacularly adept at providing running commentary on questionable circumstances so that they can all the more accurately report how contingencies are playing out. Dogs are front-line operatives.

Shadow-dog is now over three years old, and has mellowed out enough for me to have moved him outside the house 24/7/365. His commentary, wonderfully, is limited to possibly malicious human beings. So he barks rarely enough, even at night. But if it’s at night, I pay close attention.

There was a barking-baiting session at 1:30 AM the other night. I listened intently. I heard the cause, loudly: what had to be a maul-ax smashing of a door for a home invasion, or probably just smashing up branches for a druggie fire as it was a really cold night and they wanted to keep warm, which I’m certainly not going to begrudge them. And Shadow-dog should have barked. The maul-ax strikes were really quite violent. Goood daawwg Shadow-dog!!!

But someone in our little town didn’t like it one little bit…

… and came by the next morning to tell me what a terrible sorry excuse for a Catholic priest I am, letting Shadow-dog bark like that and everything. This person was so aggressive, charging me again and again, and not letting me get in a word of explanation in edgewise, that I just retreated, again, and again and again. This person kept charging, so I ran under that back patio and closed the gate. This person kept berating me so I said that I’m requesting leaving the property. And then many drive-bys by this person took place. One of neighbors came to warn me that this person had circled back to my house like four times in as many minutes. Yikes! I’m happy to have neighbors who are concerned for my welfare.

I disagree with poor Shadow-dog being used by this complainer-person as an excuse for anti-Catholic bigotry, you know, against all the damned Catholics and all their damned dogs.

Was it not at the time that Antony was predicting the result of Julius Caesar’s assassination that we hear this:

A curse shall light upon the limbs of men;
Domestic fury and fierce civil strife
Shall cumber all the parts of Italy.
Blood and Destruction shall be so in use
and dreadful objects so familiar
that mothers shall but smile when they behold
their infants quartered by the hands of war,
all pity choked by custom of fell deeds.
And Caesar’s spirit, ranging for revenge
With Ate by his side, come hot from hell
shall in these confines with a monarch’s voice
cry “Havoc!” and release the dogs of war
that this foul deed should smell above the earth
with carrion men, groaning for burial.

Ah, yes! Cry “Havoc!” and release the dogs of war.

I’m not going to release any dogs – and they won’t jump fence – but I’m not going to correct his behavior. He’s quiet all night, every night, unless there is something violent going on. And then, as a town manager said to me, mentioning someone complaining about Shadow-dog, not letting me defend Shadow-dog, but instead himself interrupting me to defend Shadow-dog, asking me whether or not Shadow-dog cuts down on home invasions for all my neighbors. Yes, of course, and they all say it, all appreciative of Shadow-dogs efforts to put himself in danger on the front lines and protect us all. All my neighbors appreciate Shadow-dog’s efforts. All of them. — Of course, he said. And that was that.

Getting the State Department involved:

Meanwhile, in recounting this story to a fellow priest, it was suggested to me to make a comment about my best friend in the State Department (retired) being somewhat delinquent in sending treats for both Shadow-dog and, of course, Laudie-dog, whom she wants to adopt. She’s only said that a million times. But, the problem is, Laudie-dog adopted me. And she softens some of the sharper edges of Shadow-dog. ;-) But actually, dearest Charlene always keeps both Shadow-dog and Laudie-dog in good standing with treats of all kinds. They are “rurnt” as they say these parts, “ruined” or spoiled, totally in expectation of treats all the time for any or no reason. Being falsely accused of grave crimes and misdemeanors – such as doing the service of alerting to violent actions – is more than enough reason to load down both Shadow-dog and Laudie-dog with treats. I’ll do that right now. I think dearest Charlene will agree with that pampering of her furry friends.

Dearest Charlene has a blog called the Prodigal Catholic Writer, and she’s written a post about what she says is “definitely the most embarrassing evening of my life,” quite funny about one of her State Department experiences in Tanzania. If you want some good humor in your life – and I recommend this to the complainer described above – here’s dearest Charlene:

http://prodigalcatholicwriter.blogspot.com/

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Coronavirus High Holy Days Humor in a real Prison while we’re on lockdown

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Pilate in the center, Jesus in light, Barabbas in the dark.

When Pilate asks whom the people want him to release, as was the custom during the High Holy Days, the people shout repeatedly: “We want Barabbas! We want Barabbas!”

Jesus is the Divine Son of the Father, laying down His life for us, the Innocent for the guilty, taking on the punishment each one of us deserves so as to have the right in His own justice to have mercy on us. Hours before, in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus prayed to His Father: “Abba! Father!”

Jesus, the Divine Son of the Father is passed over in favor of Barabbas, whose name, in full irony, means “Son of the Father.” And so are we all created and now redeemed as children of our gracious Heavenly Father.

Has any of us ever said about anyone anywhere, “Better him than me”?

Meanwhile, the people, all of us, received what we wanted: Barabbas.

And then this is what happened to Jesus before being crucified:

Jesus Pilate Ecce Homo

Notice the clever film editing: Jesus, who was at the right hand of the political powers that be, is now on the left hand of the political powers that be.


Humor: So, in prison, two good friends, Father Gordon MacRae and Pornchai Maximilian Moontri, celebrated Palm Sunday Mass with the reading of the Passion. Max took all the parts except Jesus and the Narrator, meaning he also had, for instance, the crowd.

Max, you have to know, is from Thailand, and grew up speaking Thai until 11 years old, when he was effectively stolen away to Maine, being a horrific saga that has turned out well in the end. The point is that he doesn’t have perfect English Pronunciation of Hebrew, which means that… drum roll… wait for it…

At the point where the crowd yells: “We want Barabbas! We want Barabbas!” Max instead reads, entirely innocently: “We want Baber-Ass! We want Baber-Ass!”

Father Gordon said that he somehow contained his laughter. I would have laughed so loudly the guards would have had to show up in force.

This is one of those epic, epic moments in the life of Jesus’ little flock. A story that will surely be told in heaven, hopefully with also a redeemed and saved Barabbas listening.

Meanwhile, on this Friday of Easter week – every day like Easter Day…

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Coronavirus: Provision of Sacraments. How to be joyful, at peace, in mayhem. Update!

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Apparently, the Diocese has forbidden the celebration of pretty much all the Sacraments except in the danger of death. Ha ha ha. I didn’t get that message until after the famous Monday, 30 March 2020, in my parish. Ha ha ha.

Late on Monday, there were four people in church:

  • Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament
  • Yours truly
  • A young couple

What did we do, you ask?

  • Baptism
  • Confirmation
  • Mass with First Holy Communion
  • Their natural marriage then was transformed to a Sacramental Matrimony

Elsewhere, also on Monday, same day, before sunrise, down in the hospital, I did up these Sacraments:

  • Confession
  • Last Rites: Anointing

And all that was putting Holy Orders of the Priesthood of Jesus Christ into action.

So, enacting my priesthood with the provision of six other Sacraments. Not bad in this time of Coronavirus if I do say so ever so snarkily myself. ;-)

Looky here: An order from the Diocese not to provide the sacraments except in danger of death would not be given unless people were nervous that we are in a time of generalized danger of death, right? I don’t think the intention is to make it difficult to go to Confession. That, I think, is an exception. And anyway, I did all this before that particular directive was given. And anyway, I’m sure no one is wanting at all to suspend me a divinis or to excommunicate me. I’m not in trouble. Far from it. That’s not how things work in this diocese. This is the best diocese ever. We have a great Bishop and a great Vicar General. I have a great Vicar Forane. I’m ever so happy.

Happy Its The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown GIF by Peanuts - Find ...

I mean, you know:

byers dance paul vi audience hall

Actually, what I’m looking for before the “peak” of Coronavirus hits with mayhem, is to have people come to the parking lot – staying in their spaced-away-from-each-other vehicles – to give them an instruction on General Absolution (the Third Rite permitted by the Church in emergency situations) upon permission of the Bishop. The conditions to receive that absolution with integrity and honesty, avoiding sacrilege, are as follows:

  • Done with the permission of the Bishop
  • The candidates must have contrition for ALL of their sins
  • The candidates must have the intention to amend their lives so as not to sin again
  • The candidates must have the intention to go to individual Sacramental Confession with a priest as soon as this is possible if they survive

At this time, anyone at anytime can come over to the rectory and bang on the door and I will don my PPE provided for my work with the PD and hear the Confession in the driveway. Yes. Easy peasy. All with joy. Be at peace. Perhaps dance for joy.

Humourous UPDATE!

That was sent in by a reader…

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Filed under Coronavirus, Free exercise of religion, Humor, Missionaries of Mercy

Coronavirus advice for criminals

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Coronavirus humor & Law Enforcement

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Sister is far too kind. When I was a kid, rulers had metal edges so as to permit super-straight lines, perfection and otherwise striving for excellence being the norm. Imagine that: the norm, what is expected, what is elicited, what is produced.

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Filed under Coronavirus, Humor, Law enforcement

Coronavirus humor gone malicious

The above humor? Great!

But then there’s the guy who was purposely coughing on food, then saying he’s tested positive for the Coronavirus (regardless of whether it’s true or not). That guy is up on terrorist charges and is set to go before a judge.

Meanwhile, two, say, 19-21 year old guys were in the supermarket the other day. I was going into the store just behind them and surmised (sorry for the profiling of behavior) that they were up to no good. About 15 minutes later I’m in the dairy section of the store trying to buy groceries for some of our elderly and health compromised parishioners. I was busy looking at the food prices, having stupidly let my situational awareness go down, and these guys walk up quietly behind me and loudly sneeze. When I turn to face them, they are laughing away. Hahaha. Very clever. I just looked at them, bored with such antics. It’s not easy to get me worked up over such stupidities. But we will see what happens with me in the next few days.

These are the kind of idiots, it seems to me, who will be carriers, and then spread the virus to, say, their vulnerable grandparents, who might get sick and die. Entitled narcissistic brats. That’s my “No” vote for that kind of non-humor.

Oh, and by the way… Yes, my sister had a Schnauzer like the one pictured above when I was a little, little kid. This was sent in by a reader who didn’t know that. Nice coincidence. I like that. Our Schnauzer was named Patsy. Good to see good humor.

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Coronavirus humor and our weakness

coronavirus humor conversation with God

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Hey! Coronavirus support ribbons…

Coronavirus solidarity support ribbon

And then there’s Mother Superior Cat…

cat

“Sister Felicity Immaculata, Mother Superior of the Order of Eternal Indifference, sends you blessings from quarantine.”

 

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*My Corona* rock rap video

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Coronavirus toilet humor

Sent in by a reader in Minneapolis…

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Coronavirus humor is for the dogs

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Coronavirus humor Edvard Munch’s Scream: Don’t panic! Don’t touch your face!

Image result for the scream

As of this writing, the death rate for the Coronavirus in these USA is 4.71%. That’s 16 deaths into 339 reported cases. Obviously, that doesn’t include untested mild cases, but that’s also true for unreported mild influenza cases, right? Taking into account reported cases (how else?), the Coronavirus has a mortality rate that is hyperbolically higher than bad strains of influenza, a kind of never-before-scene-in-these-modern-times scenario.

Just the facts. Some will say that reporting on facts is scare mongering, and that we should do the same thing as was done around the first world war when huge percentages of the world population died, it is said, by absolutely playing down the facts. The thing is, people read through any playing down strategy and that bit of lying is what creates panic: Why the lying? I’m always all about just the plain truth. We can all deal with that. The best way to keep people calm and not to panic is to tell the truth. Then we know what we have before us. Then we use our brains to solve the problem. Not to tell the truth because of being in a panic and being all afraid of spreading panic is exactly the kind of fear which creates panic.

But panic is an emotion leading to herd looting herd home-invasion herd lawlessness mentality which ends up killing more than any virus ever could. Don’t panic. Just the facts. Deal with it.

Having said all that, the question is as to whether you’ve ever had the bottom drop out of your little world, and then what did you do about that? I had the bottom drop out of my world. Many times, actually. It’s a blessing. It rearranges priorities. It’s an occasion to turn to God, with humility. Great!

On one occasion, in my early twenties, I had a horrific case of Entamoeba histolytica dysintery that would have killed me off, with urine the color and consistency of black tar and the back-end being the color and consistency of yellow Gatorade, just clearer, more like water, and the eyes totally jaundiced as the little beasts were quickly eating my liver. At the time I was volunteering for the Missionaries of Charity at their home for the dying in Calcutta. How appropriate.

So, there I was, five minutes on the bed, and then twenty-five minutes in one of the two toilet stalls of the Salvation Army hostel where I was staying. The 5 min bed / 25 min toilet was locked into a 24/7 cycle. Talk about losing weight! Keto has nothing on Entamoeba histolytica. With dazed mind I read – and re-read a thousand times – all the graffiti on the back of the door and the walls of the sickly sweet smelling stall even while the little window allowed the smoke of the little manure fires cooking food on the street to waft inside. A peculiar mix of odors. A very clever poet traveler with similar digestive problems had written this:

  • “If you think the bottom has dropped out of your world, come to Calcutta, and you will think the world has dropped out of your bottom.”

Hahaha – sigh – Fine. I guess you would have had to have been there.

In these days of Novel Coronavirus CoVid-19 panic mongers, sometimes a little humor goes a long way toward teaching low-panic ways and means of dealing with any virus. One bit of advice came from some high level health official knucklehead testifying in the U.S. Congress the other day about avoidance-of-the-virus strategies. One of those strategies was NOT TO TOUCH YOUR FACE. Meanwhile, the nice lady who was screaming her testimony (so to speak) about the validity of this strategy was – in front of God and Congress and the whole world – continuously touching her face. Ah, the irony!

Here’s the deal: Maybe this bit of humor will help you put the basic strategies into effect in your daily life. It’s simple, but good. Most importantly for the not-to-panic theme: get your soul right with God. Be calm and want to go to heaven in any situation.

I might add that there was something even better than this humor, making it all very personal, having us identify with the personal feelings of another. I know: ♬ Feeelings… ♬ … Woah, woah, woah… ♬ Feeelings…♬ But I’ll say it anyway. POTUS Trump was talking about the NOT touching your face thing. He said that he’s been putting into action the NOT-touching-one’s-face thing and he misses touching his face. Missing touching my face was my reaction exactly. People otherwise do this unconsciously about 20 times an hour. It’s that personal anecdote which stops my hand to the face.

Meanwhile, a health care worker testing patients for coronavirus got coronavirus even though wearing a special respirator. It didn’t help her. Why? I’m guessing because she kept re-adjusting the mask, touching, of course, her face. Get it? It’s like a new concealed carrier of a pistol. He or she is always checking on it, making sure it’s there. Don’t do that either.


So, if I were to wear a mask while going to emergency scenes with our local PD, well, I couldn’t wear a mask. Why not? I have a beard. A priest friend of mine calls beards CVIs: Coronavirus Incubators. Hahaha. So again, I ask the question as the numbers continue to rise, including the numbers of quarantines around the country, do I scream as in The Scream above, or do I shave my beard (I would hate that, nicking and cutting my face and making entryways for Coronavirus received by touching my face…. grrrr…) and then scream as in The Scream above, or…

Here’s the deal, it’s not just a one-on-one situation in hospitals and nursing homes and at incident locations, it’s about large gatherings at churches and social halls, it’s about “public speaking” if you will, during the Mass and while preaching. I’m a priest. Can you do all that in a respirator? And why would I have a respirator while no one else has a respirator? I mean, picture it, a priest at the altar saying Holy Mass with a respirator on. It’s absurd. Again, what about everybody else?

It’s devolves into inconsistencies, just as does the administration of Holy Communion no matter if it’s in the hand or on the tongue: Do priests or EMHCs (though we are too small to have those in this parish) use hand sanitizer between every communicant? And if so, do they purify their fingers in the little water bowl thingy next to the tabernacle before they do that so as not to possibly desecrate the Blessed Sacrament with hand sanitizer? And is a new bowl used every time, that is, after every single communicant? And is that bowl washed down the sacrarium and then washed and sanitized in the sacrarium every time, for every communicant? No? You get the idea. Therefore: either you administer Holy Communion or you don’t. Right now, we do.

But, all the same, do NOT touch your face!

Please share this post. You might save a life. A little humor goes a long way.

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Filed under Humor, Medicine

Chartreuse par les pères Chartreux: Moi? Connaisseur? Sacrebleu! Je ne suis pas!

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This post is categorized as humor because of the strange way that I reacted to the delivery of a package. Perhaps some veterans might guffaw at my silliness. I’m happy to provide the opportunity.

A very nice, polite, super-smiling man with a heavy accent from – best guess – Pakistan, not in a uniform, just in a personal car with no company markings, hand delivered a cardboard box which had no indication of provenance, no sender, nothing to indicate that it had gone through any kind of systematized delivery service. There were no stickers about any company delivering the package (such as one would expect from DHL, FedEx, UPS or the USPS). Just my name and address hand written on a piece of paper taped to the top of the box. He had banged on my front door not seeing the sign which politely requests that packages be left in the car port. Maybe he had to actually put it in my hands. After I went back to the rectory he stayed out in the street for a minute. My thought then was not a good one. Just a little suspicious, this package. You can call me bad and evil, but policies only work if you follow them every time. This is the scene from Zero Dark Thirty that came to mind.

That, of course, is quite a confession, and might tell you how I carry some things with me, deep down inside. It is what it is. Anyway, rebelling against myself, I made brave to open the package. It turned out to be from overseas. Even more mysterious as to how it could be delivered in such fashion.

But I then I recognized who the contents were from as there was a card and a letter and a donkey cartoon. It’s from an old friend. All good. Thanks. But still, the logistics of delivery…

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As soon as I saw the bottle I thought of the saying of the monks: Stat crux dum volvitur orbis. “The Cross stands steadfast while the world spins away.” I think I wrote something about that:

Solving Kryptos – Part 4 – Coriolis effect – Crux stat dum volvitur orbis

It’s only fair to offer a few notes for anyone who is tempted to send me alcohol:

  • I appreciate the thought. Really, I do. But don’t do it. Hard liquor and Keto diet don’t go together. It’s true that there are no carbs, but there are also no grams of protein or fat, just heaps of empty calories.
  • Hard liquor is deadly to me, as this destroys my throat. No, really. It’s risking suicide. Like Bill Binney said, “The first thing you have to know about me is that I would never intentionally commit suicide.” So, I’ll pass. Thanks, though.
  • Liquor is hard on the liver. I already put my liver through hell with medicine I’ve been taking for some 40 years when the absolute max is 5 months because of the way it wrecks havoc on the liver. So, liquor doesn’t work for me. No, really.
  • Also, I actually carry my carry. And because of that, all alcohol is off limits. Guns and hard liquor don’t go together. I’m at least as much of a tea-totaller as the local baptists. I’ve already heard that I preach like a Baptist minister, so, hey, why not?
  • So, I’m going to have to give this away. Sorry. But thank you for the thought.

Anyway, I’m looking at the bottle. What’s that hole under the label?

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Looking through the front of the bottle:

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When I saw that – given also the weird delivery circumstances – I thought I might just make a call to the guy in charge of Chartreuse at the distributors in New York. He wanted the pictures, so I sent them to him. He had never seen anything like it. He’s going to contact les pères Chartreux just for fun, to see if they have a new manufacturing process. I looked up the use of tracking chips which prove provenance to reduce fraud for the customer who can use an app to see if the bottle is legit. That’s quite common for more expensive bottles, but all those chips are part of the exterior label, a wax seal, or are inside the cork. I scraped off the back label against my better judgment. I’m guessing that it’s just a manufacturing oddity. Anyway, I won’t be drinking it, but not because of… whatever…

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Filed under Humor

New York Bail Reform: Violent Crime? You walk! Analogy with VIRTUS®

In New York, you can get away with anything for free and skip your court date and still get away without a bond to escape again. So, that invites violent crime, and of course the first ones perps will try this out on are cops. This post is categorized and tagged also as humor because Mike the Cop in the video is so very angry – rightly so – that he can only keep it together by inserting a bit of chancy humor.

FoxNews NEW YORK — Two New York City police officers narrowly escaped with their lives when a gunman fired into their patrol van Saturday night, wounding one of them in an attack officials called an attempted assassination. The ambush, which Police Commissioner Dermot Shea said “should outrage all New Yorkers,” happened just before 8:30 pm in the South Bronx. The officer at the wheel of the van was grazed in the chin and neck, but he avoided serious injury, Shea said. He was expected to released from the hospital Sunday. “He is lucky to be alive,” Shea said. “He is expected to make a full recovery and it is a miracle.” Shea recalled other unprovoked assaults on police officers sitting in their patrol vehicles.

Mayor Bill de Blasio, a Democrat, condemned the latest attack at a news briefing outside the Bronx hospital where the wounded officer was being treated. “There’s too much hatred in general, there’s too much hatred being directed at our officers, and it has to end,” the mayor said. “We have to move forward in a situation like this and find a way to create a peaceful society, not one where those who protect us are in danger in this way.” [And the way to do that is to have no bond for violent crimes?]

The two uniformed officers, partners for eight years and friends since middle school, were sitting in their van with emergency lights activated when a man approached them and engaged them in conversation, Shea said. The man asked the officers for directions, then pulled out a gun “without provocation,” the commissioner said. The man fired multiple shots, striking the officer behind the wheel. Shea said the officer’s carotid artery narrowly avoided injury. Neither officer returned fire. The officer’s partner drove him to a hospital nearby. Shea called both officers “heroic” for their composure and said their long association made for “an amazing story.”

Officers had a basic description of the gunman, who fled after the shooting, but his identity was unknown. Security video that appeared to capture the shooting shows the van driving quickly away as a man appeared to point something at the fleeing vehicle. The officers had been stationed in the neighborhood because of recent drug activity and violence, Shea said. The president of the police union, Pat Lynch, said the department will use “all its resources” to bring the shooter to justice. [He means to bring the shooter to no bail and walk and skip town to come back later and do the same thing. You can bring a perp to justice, but New York justice actually promotes violent crimes and crimes of turpitude.]


My own comment on something analogously stupid:

When I sat through the VIRTUS® Child Protection training there were guidelines presented about possibly suspect people, so that if one noticed TWO things in a list of suspicious behaviors, then one was to bring this up the ladder. The problem was that one of the things was showing porn to minors. So, if you haven’t by chance noticed one more suspect behavior, then you are to just let it go. It’s not suspect behavior at all. All good. VIRTUS® is the education arm of The National Catholic Risk Retention Group. They should all be thrown in prison, with no bail before any court date either.

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Filed under Humor, Law enforcement, Officer Down!, VIRTUS(R)

Keto Day 82 – Imaginative recipes

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The ice cube soup picture was sent in by a reader making fun of Keto, all for encouragement, mind you. Day 81 was finished by having lost 44.6 pounds. That’s more than 1/2 pound a day, if you’re counting. Still feeling much, much better and full of energy and not hungry and able to exercise and lots of other health and psychological benefits. I’m NOT saying I’ll be on this diet much longer. Just until I reach my goal, which is to be in the upper range of “healthy” on the BMI scale.

BTW, I think ice cube soup is what pilgrims get to “eat” while doing a penitential pilgrimage to Saint Patrick’s Purgatory on Station Island in Lough Derg, County Donegal, Ireland. I think the cooks also throw in a very granules of black pepper for taste. The pilgrimage tradition goes all the way back to the fifth century, when Patrick was there.

Mind you, it’s not the ice cube soup that is in any way Keto. Whilst the pilgrims at Lough Derg relish their ice cube soup after having walked the rock in the ice cold water, they smell the aroma of bacon wafting along from the windows of the warm kitchen of the priests house. “Bacon.” That’s Keto! ;-)

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Filed under Diet, Humor, Recipes