Tag Archives: Humor

“Were you arrested, Father George?” Karaoke and Law Enforcement…

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  • Father George: “Hey, Father Gordon, guess what I did for the first time in my life last night.”
  • Father Gordon: “What’s that, Father George?”
  • Father George: “I did Karaoke! Two songs!”
  • Father Gordon: [deadpan voice] “Were you arrested?” [as such a bad voice is so offensive it should, of course, be outlawed]
  • Father George: “No, no. The first song I did was with one of our Police Officers, already some eight years in the Navy and still keeping up with training as he’s in the Reserves. Great singer. I think he gets some voice-time on patrol. (See the picture above). The other song was with him again, but this time adding a deputy retired after twenty five years with the Sheriff’s Department up in Milwaukee.” (See the picture below).

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There were some two dozen present. Lots of food. Lots of drink. I had Ginger Ale, though I have nothing against responsible consumption. The easiest song to sing had but one word, “Tequila!”

The Karaoke controller’s wife had the most difficult song with an impossible range. She did great. Being from the Philippines where Karaoke is ubiquitous and continuous, she’s had plenty of practice, though I must say the cop has got quite the range as well, as well as a friend of theirs who I thought might have to try out for America’s Got Talent.

Johnny Cash songs were the most popular. Lots of older stuff. And we had two languages going on. A Mexican couple did the obligatory La Bamba and their family did quite a number of songs, with their daughter also singing in English.

If you must know, the ones yours truly participated in are “You bring me back to life”

and then, from way back in the day, Buffalo Springfield’s “For what it’s worth.”

I hesitate to put up the videos they took of us singing, as I’ve already been trounced by the trolls for my obvious lack of dancing ability as well:

byers dance paul vi audience hall

Is humor forbidden? Is making others laugh outlawed? Is having a good time with friends the most terrible sin? Didn’t Jesus come eating and drinking? Are we all John the Baptist? What did Jesus say about Wisdom’s children?

O.K. So, here’s a few seconds of each song.

This is a post tagged as humor, so, there it is. Hahaha.

When people say that this is NOT the time for humor, the situation is dire. “We must be more serious!” they say. — Well, when people say that, that’s precisely the time to have some humor.

Are there not plenty of saints who, when asked what they would do if they knew that the world would be ending in ten minutes, their answer was “I would continue to do whatever it is that I was already doing, for it is a worthy occupation also in the spiritual life when whatever we do is done in the Lord and for Him.”

“But Reverend Father Byers! Reverend Father Byers! Haven’t we had enough of humanizing the priesthood already?!”

Nope. Not at all. Actually, there’s been way too much putting priests on pedestals, literally, up the steps of the high altar where the high altar and tabernacle have been done away with so that we have a new “god,” you know, those priests who think they are better than the Most Holy Trinity, thinking they can change the truth of doctrine and morality when the Most Holy Trinity cannot do that. Heck with all that rubbish. Jesus is the one. He’s the only one. Time for priests to be HUMAN, however much they are laudably dedicated to Jesus, the Divine High Priest. We ordained priests are nothing, and we had better get out of the way of Jesus so that Jesus’ priesthood with His love and His truth is manifested through us.

Do I obscure Jesus by a bit of a few minutes of singsong, by a few seconds (literally) of dance? I should hope not. I’m guessing that that would not be my fault, but the fault of those who are just overflowing with condemnation always and everywhere for everyone, but themselves.

It’s precisely the humor that can bring people in, by inviting to them, you know, while at the same time not abandoning truth and justice. Actually, one can insist on truth and justice more when one is also appropriately humorous.

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It’s an alien! And it’s not even Area 51!

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In Nevada (with each “a” pronounced like the second “a” in “area”), the U.S. Air Force has appropriately set up a Test and Training Range. They call it Area 51.

Let’s see:

  • Air Force – stuff in the air for use of force
  • Test range – meaning cool and new and unforeseen stuff

That would make for that which, by definition, are unidentified flying objects.

Strange how all these UFOs turn up in a military testing range. If I were a smarty alien I wouldn’t try landing in a place that by definition wants to know how to shoot you down.

Strange also, as Father Gordon MacRae has pointed out many times… Strange how we look for alien life when we kill so many of our own in the womb, just born, or elderly, or just to do it.

My response to to the music loving, drinking, drugging, violent hippies is… is…

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Ooops! My Bishop reads local newspaper

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The bishop of the Diocese of Charlotte was out to the parish for Confirmations the other day. He picked up the local paper to have a look see. He’s much more perceptive than yours truly. He showed me the front page, bottom fold, chuckling at what will surely be the maelstrom of confusion that I’ll be confronting today and tomorrow:

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Here’s the deal: Saint William Catholic Church is in the town of Murphy, while Holy Redeemer Catholic Church is in the town of Andrews. Hahaha.

I’ve heard it said that sucking the brains out of mudbugs is some good eat’n’, you know, with hot pepper powder shakers as big as a swamp rat, um, as big as a “nutria.” Truth be told, I just eat the tails…

I’ve never been to one of these local fests, so I don’t know if there will also be jambalaya, gumbo, boudin and other assorted Cajun delights, perhaps some alligator meat cooked below ground. This fest only started up in the last few years with a Cajun guy moving into the area and bringing some of the bayou culture to these back ridge mountains. I also don’t know if there will be any Cajun music…

The Cajuns I know introduced me to a perhaps saint-to-be, little Charlene Marie Richard. Back in the day, I hunted down the little graveyard where she’s buried (she died before I was born), and said a prayer for her and then asked her intercession. She has quite the story. I also learned about a now beatified Redemptorist priest, Blessed Francis Xavier Seelos. The persecuted Cajuns have much to offer.

For them to be called Cajuns, les Cadiens, les Acadiens, was considered an insult by the name callers, though there is nothing derogatory about it. Quite the contrary. But the tone of voice implied disdain. It’s that they were Catholic. That was the problem. That was always the cause for which they were thrown out of France and persecuted right down the American eastern seaboard until they arrived in the back bayous and no one cared much to run after them while also facing fierce swamp beasts.

We are, of course, happy for their arrival, not only in Louisiana, but here in Cherokee County. I think I’ll wander down to Saint William’s Catholic Church IN MURPHY today.

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Devil Dog’s Son, Fr Byers: ironic proof

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Yours truly on a day-off, of sorts. Smiling and what all. The gall. A snake-handler preacher man ruint with longevity. Way too snarky. Having waaaay tooooo much fun. And who ever heard of a day off for a priest anyway? Sounds demonic. Anyone who casts out Satan must be doing this by Satan, and is a devil himself, a downright snake in the grass. And… and… I’m the Son of a Devil Dog. So, that seals it.

VMFA 312 Marine Fighter Attack Pilot Devil Dog six 50 cals

While the USMC in general has a nickname of Devil Dogs, dad was a commander of the Checkerboard Marine Fighter Attack Squadron of gullwing F4U Corsairs (VMFA 312) each sporting six 50 Cals and having the logo of a Devil Dog carrying the same. But the idea that the Marines are Devil Dogs isn’t that they are demonic. Here’s a one minute recruiting commercial about that:

The idea of extreme violence of a Devil Dog is not that goodness and kindness and truth are suppressed. No no. Instead, it is to bring goodness and kindness and truth to those who are happy to receive it even if it means battling in hell to do it, and looking, for that reason, finally coming out of hell, very much like the devil himself for having fought battles in hell over against the devil, that serpent who, for all his bluster, has been vanquished by Christ. I mean, isn’t it true that Christ Jesus looked demonically criminal on the Cross for having battled all of that hell that was broken out all at once against Him on Calvary?

Jesus crucified passion of the christ

One of the greatest defeats of contemporary mankind is the loss of a sense of irony. We don’t see behind the truths plainly spoken to see… the truth! What to do when we are just learning to live with Him who is Truth, but who for all intents and purposes and constructions looks to be Untruthfulness. He did that for our sake, by the way, laying down His life for us, the Innocent for the guilty, so that He might have the right in His own justice to have mercy on us. I might have said that once or twice before… ;-) Jesus is very much the Devil Dog Himself. You don’t think so? A blasphemy you say? Let’s review something I’ve many times posted, but not in a while. It bears a re-reading. We MUST get a sense of irony back if we are to be Christian, if we are to have a sense of identity, a solid base from which to work, that is, a oneness with Christ Jesus, Himself Irony Incarnate, as it were, so to speak, a Devil Dog. Let’s turn to the great historian Hilaire Belloc once again, for, after all, we bear the burden of being naive, or, as he says, “young”, “pure”, “ingenuous”, so easily thrown into fear, unthinking, cowardly fear. Enough of that! Behold: irony!

hilaire belloc“To the young, the pure, and the ingenuous, irony must always appear to have a quality of something evil, and so it has, for […] it is a sword to wound. It is so directly the product or reflex of evil that, though it can never be used – nay, can hardly exist – save in the chastisement of evil, yet irony always carries with it some reflections of the bad spirit against which it was directed. […] It suggests most powerfully the evil against which it is directed, and those innocent of evil shun so terrible an instrument. […] The mere truth is vivid with ironical power […] when the mere utterance of a plain truth labouriously concealed by hypocrisy, denied by contemporary falsehood, and forgotten in the moral lethargy of the populace, takes upon itself an ironical quality more powerful than any elaboration of special ironies could have taken in the past. […] No man possessed of irony and using it has lived happily; nor has any man possessing it and using it died without having done great good to his fellows and secured a singular advantage to his own soul.” [Hilaire Belloc, “On Irony” (pages 124-127; Penguin books 1325. Selected Essays (2/6), edited by J.B. Morton; Harmondsworth – Baltimore – Mitcham 1958).]

If there’s any proof that I’m a Devil Dog, it’s that I love such irony in the face of my being the most naive, the “youngest”, the “purist”, the most “ingenuous”, the most stupid idiot in the world, unable to appreciate such truths until they smack me down with such extreme violence that I gotta pay attention. It’s like Thomas the doubting Apostle. I’m forced to put my finger into the holes the nails made in the hands and feet of Christ. I’m forced to put my hand into the side of Christ, where I touch that beating heart, still pierced open. “My Lord and my God,” I blurt out. The irony is, I’m the absolute last person who would ever say that. Not me. I’m the one who put those wounds there. But the truth, “vivid with ironical power”, shines the light, and makes me a Devil Dog too. Thank you Jesus, you who want to make us all Devil Dogs.

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Recently behind the scenes of the blog

chess board robert van der steeg impossible world

Thanks to a combination of various services running overseas, I’m able to make some observations about those hacking into the admin section of the blog, the behind the scenes part of what it takes to make any blog work. I’m guessing all such hackers are benevolent, but I don’t know that. What they do with this or that particular hack, well, I have no idea. But I do see them at work. Kind of like the metadata of hacking hackers.

One particular reader / hacker / analyst / humint baiter and all-around good person by all accounts, used “invisibility cloaking” (in layman’s terms) a bit more than usual, then, if I’m correct on the who’s who thing, that person tested posting posts under my name. “Hmmm….” thought I. Perhaps it was just a mistake whilst perusing or perhaps adjusting some drafts or older posts, or simply writing entirely new posts under my name. I mean, I do have to wonder sometimes. Kind of weird. Anyway. I have little time for that. It’s all in the “Whatever!” bucket.

Anyway, I did NOT notice recent activity as far as someone else fraudulently publishing on the blog under my name as it all happened too quickly and then disappeared before I even knew it happened. But a good friend with a lot of sense and fairly good tech skills happened to be visiting the blog at just the time it happened, and then sent me a gently sarcastic text: “Now you see it, now you don’t.” After a few more texts back and forth – ascertaining that this person only goes to the top-front-page of the blog and not to archived posts, we then had a phone conversation. It became clear that something is up with a third party testing out some sort of fakery. The person who alerted me to this is a good friend, a loyal friend, absolutely trustworthy, with no reason whatsoever to misrepresent anything to me, ever.

So, this incident can be added to the “Just. Wow.” incidents I’ve been noticing these past number of weeks. Since I don’t think the person behind this incident is in any way nefarious, I also put all this under “Humor.” But it’s also without my permission…

To be continued…

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Escalating De-escalation: Police Fun “Antifa” = Anti-Everything Fascism

  • Mike the Cop says: “At the recent straight pride parade, Boston area departments turned on their sirens to drown out the nonsense of “antifa” (unknown who actually claimed to be from the group) trying to disrupt the event. At least 36 leftist protesters were arrested for violence because apparently “tolerance” is only tolerance if you agree with THEM. What an awesome troll.”

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Meme: “Only good priests allowed!”

These sticky notes with the meme “Only good priests allowed!” are showing up everywhere people think I might happen to show up, at medical institutions, at the parish office… Hahaha.

It’s my fault entirely. Every time before providing in whatever homily any kind of encouragement whatsoever to be in humble thanksgiving before our Lord who is ever so patient with us, you know, for His drawing us by His grace, for example, to a purity of heart and agility of soul, every time, mind you, I’m forever saying that I myself am evil and bad and think like the worst of the worst. In other words, if the Lord can smack me down in whatever way such that I might howsoever look to Him, then He can do this for others as well.

About these sticky notes, here’s the deal: the more evil and bad a priest knows himself to be, that is, the more honest he is about what he would be like if he were to be without the grace of God, that’s precisely how much he is able (by grace, mind you) to get out of the way of Jesus so that Jesus, the High Priest, might be evident.

“Only good priests allowed”? That’s mis-phrased. How about: “Only The Good Priest, Jesus, allowed!” I entirely agree, because I know that, of myself, I’m just sooo evil and sooo bad. :-)

If anyone thinks this is a bit over the top, I suggest taking a look at the last bits of Saint Patrick’s Breastplate. This is a legitimate prayer, a valid hope to have, to live by.

 

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SGT Henry Felsen USMC: “The flak was so thick…”

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2019-07-29 · 1:38 pm

Shapeshifter Bernie-burned by “USA”

Gazillionaire Bernie wanting everyone waiting in line for a crumb of bread – a good thing in his own words – getting burned by USA. Sorry, but I laughed out loud. A lot.

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Penance for Sacramental Confession

A lady was recounting to her friend the penance she received in Confession, very happy that it was almost completed.

“Father […] gave me a Decade of the Rosary.”

Then she added:

“It’s great, because I have only one year to go!”

Hahaha.

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Mothers Day in Appalachia [humor]

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This week’s regional mountain newspaper had a full page add at the end of the first section with a Happy Mothers Day! theme, with the most pictured product for moms being guns. Yikes! Those are all smallish guns, even the 48 is lighter than the 19. But that doesn’t mean they are any less lethal. Kind of humorous, but not.

Giving these as a gift? Hmm. No. Not unless mom is already a gunslinger and specifically wants this or that gun for carry. If she’s not a gunslinger already, then this would be a much bigger deal than the tote bags, scented candles and coffee mugs also advertised.

There’s the transfer from the giver to mom, which is a big deal itself in some places. Then, to conceal carry, there’s the qualification and the course, which can be as expensive as the gun, by the way. There’s the fingerprinting which itself can be problematic if one is older. Then there can be what amounts to months of local background checks, and thorough investigations by the State Bureau of Investigation and the Federal Bureau of Investigation and other lengthy investigations, including from your physician and any care facilities mom may have ever in her life been checked into. Does mom want to do that? Good for her if she does, so that she can protect her kids and herself all the better.

But just remember, this is a lifestyle, meaning that you have to study the law, your local statutes, county statutes, state law, federal law, all of which is always in a state of flux.

You have to study deescalation, learn to live with situational awareness, practice the avoidance of problems. It means having a good psychology, a kind of unflappableness, the ability to remain calm even when adrenaline is pumping in critical incidents.

One has to know the best ammo for carry (hint: not FMJ), and how to carry and how to carry oneself and why. One’s wardrobe choices may have to radically change.

Importantly, one must get range time, regularly, making sure fundamentals of grip and stance and trigger pull are down cold always, making sure one is quick and agile, instead of being so slow as to invite an aggressor to just take your gun and shoot you and the kids with it. Having said that, it can be done, but mom must be a willing and enthusiastic participant, occasionally even going to scenario training, etc.

Also, just to say, the gift giver to mom has to follow up with literally tons of ammo as the years click by. And then there’s the gun safe, and holsters, and… and… So, don’t think you’re just giving a gun. This is an ongoing investment in life.

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Maybe the phone’s tapped…

Lot’s of people calling me are complaining that it takes me too long to answer the phone. I answer straightaway. But for the last number of weeks, yes, all is awry for another five to ten seconds, sometimes causing the impatient to hang up. Who knows what that’s all about. Surely anyone with any phone-tapping ability would be better at it than all that. Or not. Anecdote time! …

Back in the day, in another parish far away, a phone company truck had its cherry picker up in the nest of wires of a phone land-line exchange box on the top of a phone-pole outside the rectory. One of the workers who had a job with the phone company was an employee and had the truck for the day. He had another four guys or so with him. He was an extremely vociferous enemy as I had been standing up for the safety of the African Americans in the parish and he didn’t like that one bit. They were up working on the wires for it seemed a good hour. I went out to watch them and was attempting to be very friendly.

Forever after that “fixing”, I would pick up the phone at the first ring or two and start talking with the person who called. But the phone was still ringing. Not my phone, but another phone somehow on that call, really loud. We would listen, confused as to what was happening, until some obviously older guy would pick up the phone all out of breath, not saying anything, just listening. Amateurs! I thought it was kind of funny. People all around town did too. I got lots of reports that my phone calls were being listened to all around town.

People are so funny. It is to laugh. And I do. ;-)

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Blocked! I’m suspicious! It is to laugh. So: *Whateevveerr…*

suspicious web page blocked

Not the first time. I can’t count the times with various blogs through the years. The note speaks of phishing and generically of “internet security” and it is not said if the blocking was by way of algorithm or by human intervention, meaning that it can be flagged because of ideological perspectives whether directly or by a thusly tweaked algorithm. Whateevveerr…

I do know that there has been quite a precise interest in a recent post on toxic clouds the other day, you know, by certain agencies. Whateevveerr…

I do know that firstly youtube and immediately after google (linex) [always in that order and in that way] have shown quite a precise interest in a certain recent post on the Congressional grilling of their CEO the other day. Whateevveerr…

At the same time, weirdly, I got a “scam call” with an odd menu, which I just ignored until, in like three more seconds, it hung up. What makes that one particular call among zillions of such calls is that my phone was set to total silence for the sake of not being disturbed at Holy Mass. No notifications. No ringing for calls. Nothing. But it rang for that call. Looking for an oral comment? Whateevveerr… Just a bug inside the phone, I’m sure. “He’s cute!” ;-)

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This guy was climbing the church walls. He must be the bug in the system of my phone.

Also, weirdly, at the same time, I got a note on privacy setting changes for just one account I haven’t used or even accessed for like seven years (and that I totally forgot about) that I created specifically to comment on a friend’s blog called jihadwatch something like ten years ago. It has an email address that I also used to bait terrorists and terrorist funding organizations at that time, but not since. That was good recreation. I learned a lot about the Qur’an from the perspective of terrorists as well. I used that for my ecclesiastical thriller novel Jackass for the Hour. I know, I have to get back to that. Anyway, with that account, I learned just how it is that I could easily work up relationships with the worst of the worst. And while people might know the exterior details of that, it’s quite another thing to know the why of it all. That takes something else than mere analysis. Anywhere, whenever you get privacy setting changes for just one of many, it seems that it’s a CYA move on a provider’s part for liberality of actions to the contrary which they’ve already taken. Whateevveerr… I’m sure whoever reads all of that will be inspired.

As I say, my life is an open book. Whateevveerr…

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Toxic-gas clouds zipping over WNC from Oak Ridge research corridor?

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It’s fun to have a good imagination. Let’s play “What if?”

These pictures were taken late afternoon 13 December 2018. Moving relatively quickly. Note, above, how the other surrounding, higher clouds, move away from the darker clouds in a circular fashion, pushed away by the darker clouds below. That‘s an indicator that something serious is amiss. The darker clouds aren’t dropping, but rather moving over the terrain. I’m guessing that the length of this event, from nearer to farther away, just of the darker stuff, is about a mile all told. Give it a couple of miles for the spreading of the upper clouds. Give it more for whatever effect on the ground. Remember, these are moving relatively quickly. I was really fumbling to get my camera in traffic as I didn’t want to just let them fly by. They are roiling and boiling but staying together.

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At first glance I thought these were clouds of trillions of starlings. If you’ve ever seen the shows they put on – common in Rome, Italy – you would know what I mean. But these didn’t have the ever changing shapes of starling acrobatics. You’ll notice that there seems to be a more concentrated opaque center of the “clouds” with a weird semi-transparent “net” – if you will – draped over the opaqueness. But, let’s look closer:

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The outer “net” is not liquid, like rain, as it defies gravity, and equally surrounds the center both below and above, all around, like roiling boiling fumes, not H20 based, with H20 opaqueness, but more like gasoline fumes that roil and boil and are transparent, providing a more blotchy appearance. What you’re looking at is not the wispiness of H20 clouds, but the the messiness of roiling boiling fumes. Let’s tweak the raw picture a bit to make it darker:

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This is just 50 miles as-the-toxic-cloud-flies from Oak Ridge, TN, with all of their testing sites. These were coming from exactly that direction. This defies further description. By the time I got home, just a stone’s throw away, these darker clouds had already raced away.

That’s the entertainment of imagination for the day. I’m sure there’s a name for such meteorological formations for both upper lighter and lower darker clouds, something like “downburst” or some such ill fitted name. There was no down and no burst. All was at a dead calm. I’m sure there’s a reason why the wispiness did not have H20 opaqueness but was transparent and not at all wispy, but rather roiling and boiling. I’m sure there’s a reason why they were flying relatively quickly.

It’s just that I’ve never seen anything like this in clouds since I was born. Anyway, if these were toxic and just a test, there’s no reason to question it. After all, there’s no one important who lives in these remote mountains, right? //off sarcasm

Again, just my fun imagination.

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Correcting heretics = gossip?

An example of priests texting each other the truth of the matter. Seminarians might not know what they are talking about. But there’s always a bit of truth in humor. For that matter seminarians might be absolutely correct and respectful and do what they do because of their love of the Lord Jesus and their desire to save souls. Good for them.

For my part, as a priest, and with lots of the most academic of degrees, I still don’t mind telling priests or bishops that they are technically heretics if that’s the truth of the matter.

Maybe I’ll try that later today, a repeat of what previously had me quite literally thrown into a dumpster some years ago, you know, extrajudicially, pro bono ecclesiae, but not really, as I was put down for the sake of the code of silence, of omertà, the old kill the messenger thing. It was someone with influence in Rome who had done this.

It’s not a matter of fake news just because a critique is made. To bring someone to the truth is a matter if charity.

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My revised Ancestry DNA: Neanderthal

ape to man walk

I mentioned to Father Gordon the other day that I received a quite severely revised Ancestry DNA report according to a new merging of data bases. I said that I was much more Eastern European and Russian than was previously estimated. He said that he wasn’t surprised at all, and then flatly added:

“Everybody from eastern European descent has 2% Neanderthal DNA.”

And then, speaking directly to the readers of this blog again added even more flatly:

“This may explain Father George’s lack of subtlety.”

Meanwhile, while my dad’s Scots-Irish surname is holding on with the travel of that family through centuries in Germany, there is this:

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There are a zillion connections in Mazovia Province and Łódź, and the same for Lesser Poland, Małopolskie and Świętokrzyskie. Southern Poland would make sense from her specialized Yiddish derived vocabulary, with the biggest curse she had being to say that someone surely came from “Lower Slobbovia,” Al Capp’s thought-to-be-made-up-country but which is surely Slovakia just to the South of Lesser Poland. Al Capp’s references about “Lower Slobbobia” were rife with Yiddish-isms.

Catastrophically, pretty much every Jew, to a man, to a woman, to a child, was killed off in the Baltic States by the Nazi regime.

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Bwahahahahahahahah!

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Seen up in Graham County, NC. :-)

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Review Board rejects Paul of Tarsus

Saint Paul Conversion Damascus Caravaggio

The vicious, murderous Saul, was graced with a vocation by Jesus. But Lord, he said, they will hold my past against me! I am evil and bad. Don’t worry, Jesus replied, I shall be with you. And so it was, Saint Paul would boast of his weakness so as to give Jesus the glory.

If we go before our judgment and Satan would be allowed to accuse us for all we have done, each one of us, and if God would judge us only on those accusations, whether true or false, out of context or not, we would all be going straight to hell. The faith is about mercy, about the Good News, the Evangelium, the Gospel, not about an uncontrollable lust to condemn all to hell with no chance of redemption, with no chance of salvation if they are not already mirror images of ourselves. The faith is not about only bad news confirming only bad news. Playing the part of the Accuser, damning others with no chance of redemption and salvation, is a rejection of Christ who redeemed all and wants that the many be saved. Jesus said that those who deny him before men He will deny before His Heavenly Father.

It’s time, I think, to re-publish something I came across back in the early 1980s at Father Paul Marx’ Human Life Center in Collegeville, MN (which later became Human Life International in Front Royal, VA), then operated by the famous R.M. I put this up on this blog a few years ago, and have used many times in my life.

A gate-keeper psychologist for vocations to the priesthood for a nearby Archdiocese (he hated that description of himself), passed this bit of parody below around to everyone, poking fun at those in his profession who had no faith whatsoever (slightly edited).

It demonstrates that if one is looking for something to condemn, one can find ten thousand examples even in the greatest of saints. And any one of those things is today way more than enough to have one sent off for an “evaluation” at, say, the homosexualist crusaders at Saint Luke Institute, the results of which evaluation are predetermined by the one who is paying (not by what is actually known about the subject). Dismissals from the clerical state are multiplied. When you have a troublesome priest like the one described below, they are literally cast out of the priesthood. Truly. Pretty much everywhere.

I mean, just imagine, there are those even among the cardinals of the Church who condemn our Lord as a failure for having died on the Cross. They say this with a reluctant and sad voice of a forced admission. For them, even our Lord should have been sent away for evaluation and then dismissed. Isn’t it true that those who only condemn have to look for more to condemn, even if it is not there? The following is a call for an examination of conscience for us all:

MEMO

To: Paul of Tarsus, Independent Missionary, Corinth, Greece
From: CYA Missionary Board

Dear Mr. Paul:

We recently received an application from you for service under our Board.

It is our policy to be as frank and open-minded as possible with all our applicants. We now have an exhaustive study of your case. To be plain, we are surprised that you have been able to pass as a bona fide missionary.

We are told that you are afflicted with severe eye trouble. This is certain to be an insuperable handicap to an effective ministry. Our Board requires 20/20 vision.

Is it true that you have a jail record? Certain brethren report that you did two years’ time at Caesarea, and were imprisoned at Rome too. You made so much trouble for the businessmen at Ephesus that they refer to you as “the man who turned the world upside down.” Sensationalism has no place in the missions. We also deplore your lurid “over the wall in a basket” episode at Damascus.

We are appalled at the obvious lack of conciliatory behavior. Diplomatic men are not stoned and dragged out of the city gate, or assaulted by furious mobs. Have you ever considered that gentler words might gain you friends? Why, we even read in one place where all men turned against you, those of like faith too. I am enclosing for your edification a copy of Dallas Carnegus’ book entitled, How to Win Jews and InfluenceGreeks.

Your ministry has been far too flighty to be successful. First Asia Minor, then Macedonia, then Greece, then Italy, and now you are talking of a wild goose chase into Spain. Have you not suspected that a nice cozy spot in some permanent location might do more good? Concentration is more important than dissipation of one’s powers. You cannot win the whole world by yourself. You are just one little Paul!

In a recent sermon you said, “God forbid that I should glory in anything save the cross of Christ. ” It seems to us that you ought also to give some glory to our heritage, our denominational program, the unified budget, and the World Federation of Churches. And by all means don’t forget the League of Consensus and the Society of Niceness.

It’s amusing to us how you say you do the work of an evangelist when there are just a few of you romping around the countryside. Our method is to spend months in promoting evangelistic campaigns. With a full house, there’s bound to be some action: your methods are too uncertain.

And who do you think you are in telling our church leaders that you long to impart some spiritual blessing to them! Are they not educated enough to have their own blessing? Frankly, Mr. Paul, it’s a trifle too humbling to have plain ordinary men like yourself stand on the same platform with our titled professionals.

Dr. Luke reports that you are a thin little man, bald, frequently sick, and always so agitated over your little church groups that you sleep very poorly. He states that you pad around the house praying half the night. A healthy mind and a robust body is what we expect and require.

You recently wrote to Timothy that you had “fought a good fight.” Fighting is hardly a recommendation for a missionary. No fight is a good fight. Jesus came not to bring the sword, but peace. You boast too that you fought wild beasts at Ephesus. What on earth do you mean?

It hurts me to tell you this, Paul, but in my 25 years of experience I have never met a man who is so opposite to the requirements of this Mission Board. If we were to accept you, we would be breaking almost every rule in modern missionary practice.

Mr. Heady High-Minded
Director of the MISSIONARY BOARD

That could be edited to include more, of course. For instance, one could say that Paul’s words against the rancor and violence of bullying homosexualist crusaders (Romans 1:18 to the end of the chapter) is not the inclusive way to go these days.

We could add another bit of sarcasm in reference to Paul’s condemnation of doing evil to achieve good, which was very much the modus operandi described in detail in the USCCB’s document on medical ethics.

I wonder if we could come up with a list of saints who were dismissed or discounted or ignored or despised by the world and, indeed, within the Church, but who became the greatest of saints. Oh, that’s right. It would be all of them.

But no, really, how about Saint Francis? Remember his conversation with Brother Leo on perfect joy? That would surely seal one’s fate in most seminaries as being against the super mansions that some of our bishops have built.

And then consider Saint Benedict Joseph Labre?

Saint Ignatius was hailed as insane by all during his visit to Jerusalem?

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Pope Francis is Colonel Nathan Jessep

“I won’t say a word.”

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Day Off: church shootings, advice from diocese, best DQ with my Glock 19

priest glock

[Humor alert: no need to be triggered!] That’s not me in the staged joke-picture above that I gleaned from another priest’s site who took the opportunity a while back to make sure priests follow the directions of their respective (arch)dioceses in regard to firearms. Yay!

Anyway, the total amount of direction we got the other week from the Vicar General of the Diocese is that firearms shall play no officially mandated part of any plan for parish preparations for a critical incident of an active shooter on the church campus, a mass shooter during Mass, so to speak. And all the parishes are heavily encouraged to have a plan, the first part of which is always situational awareness.

Someone once asked the bishop about what he has surely said to the priests about priests having guns. His response was spectacularly that of a good American citizen, something like: Oh! I guess I’ve never had a discussion with priests about their rights as citizens in good standing as guaranteed by the Second Amendment of the Constitution. I love that response. A just and appropriate defense of self and others is a good thing.

Anyway, back to that staged joke-picture above: just to say, in case you were wondering: I do not have a holster like that as I do not have a light or laser on my Glock. I have not used a Hogue grip for a long time. I do not open-carry.  I do not carry on the side of the hip. Just not any of that, at all. Nothing. Zilch. Zippo. No. I don’t even have a set of green Roman Mass vestments. Get a life. Having said that, protesteth-ing way too much:

  • that’s not to say I don’t have a concealed carry handgun permit with its gazillion extremely thorough FBI criminal background checks;
  • that’s not to say I don’t have a Glock 19 Gen 4 that the factory down in Smyrna worked on a bit, they being very good to me;
  • that’s not to say I don’t keep my familiarity with my Glock somewhat sharp.

In fact, on the day off the other day at the hermitage I celebrated a minor victory with my Glock 19. Finally, a better disqualification, a better DQ, my best so far. I take what I can get. I was shooting the pre-Sept 11 2001 Federal Air Marshal course, which was ditched after the attacks for being too difficult. 5000 Air Marshals were wanted after the attacks. Only 50 could do this course. It was a fast, timed course used before flights. If you did it up right, you could fly. If you were 1/100th of a second over time on just one stage you were disqualified from the course and from flying, meaning you might just lose your job. The targets are small: just the “inside bottle” of the FBI QIT. But I use 7″ Styrofoam plates as an equivalent as they’re easy to set up with “pigtail” wires. Aim small, shoot small.

Finally, 100% and (even way) under time on the first five of seven stages. But then the sixth stage was overtime by some hundredths of a second, as was the seventh which I usually do in about half the time. But any overtime is a disqualification, a DQ. Rats. But, hey! That’s all progress for me. 100% accuracy but not as lightning quick as humanly possible is O.K., and leaves something to shoot for, so to speak. I enjoy it. I’d like to be able to do it cold barrel, and every time, with ease. Shaving off those milliseconds is important, right? Sorry, I’m being silly. I know some people have no sense of humor, especially with this topic.

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