Tag Archives: Humor

There are such things as ambulatory wheelchair users who can stand for a few seconds before collapsing. I was one of those for a while. The picture above is typical because of a lack of accessible bathrooms, which are often up a flight of stairs this gentleman, for instance, could not use, and so has to humiliate himself. Too bad, that. I’m guessing from the plaster work and pavement that this is Rome, Italy. That’s likely a fake picture by a politician trying to prove a point because he’s good enough to fight for those who are often forgotten. Anyway…

Here’s a partial list of mobility aids for the +/- ambulatory population with some comments and tips and questions coming mostly from my own experience with the spectrum of what is +/- ambulatory. Circumstances are unrepeatable. Comments offering diverse experiences are most welcome.

1. Handicapped parking placard: I have that through my doctor, through the state. But I would hate to use it. Episodically, if it’s a terribly bad day for the leg…. I dunno…. I’ll probably still not use it. I would be soooo self-conscious. I’m not disabled “enough,” or I’m too young to be disabled, or I otherwise look too healthy to use it. And besides that, here’s an indisputable FACT: there are people much, much worse off than me. I don’t like this option. I have it, but I’m an expert at making myself feel guilty. Am I right? I think the guilt means I’m right. But…
2. Canes: These are, for me, totally unstable, uncontrollable, tripping me up. Just one is useless. Two are doubly unstable, uncontrollable, less than useless. My arms are all over the place because I can’t help but also use them for weight bearing, which they’re not made for. They’re made for just a light touch for tippiness. And… and… they’re the worst on ice and snow or wet floors. Am I doing it all wrong? Are these only for the slightest aid in balance?
3. Canadian crutches, you know, with the extended braces behind the elbows. I’ve periodically used those for very many years. In fact, I bought an extra pair for parishioners and they loved them. The problem is that because of a hereditary condition, any trauma to the hands such as that kind of episodic weight bearing pressure will make my hands swell up as big as melons for days on end. No, really, as big as melons like cantaloupe. That happened uncountable times when I had a huge Ilizarov apparatus on my leg and I ended up finally using these kind of crutches continuously for some years. I would buy, and still do buy shirts and jackets and soutanes and (if possible) albs with sleaves many inches too long so as to hide this episodic disability of hands the size of melons if I’m using weight bearing crutches. So, I don’t like this option. Now that I’m putting on some years, no hands for days can be difficult. But if you can use Canadian crutches, these are the ones that are lightest, with the best padded handles. Also, I don’t know how many times I’ve fallen because of ice and snow and wet floors trusting any crutches. They are as good as mere canes when it comes to the weather. Falls like this are always extremely hard falls, instantaneous. There’s no good way to fall.
4. Tall hiking sticks: These would be about chest high, so that, in grasping them, they are just for balance, not for weight bearing. Some companies make “sticks” analogous to extra-long downhill ski poles. These are also bad on ice and snow on pavement, and wet floors. Also, two hiking sticks are ridiculously inconvenient because of their length. Yet, there are surprising benefits. Even I could do a bit of weight bearing. It’s a different mechanism: you’re pulling down on the handles instead of pushing yourself up with crutches. Or am I wrong on this?
5. Walkers! Walkers are supremely annoying when you have merely episodic disability, which is my case. It’s the ol’ “I never fall… until I do.” The stability and support of walkers are great. There are those with wheels, but those can get away from you, and down you go. There are those with tennis balls, which wear out so quickly on parking lots. The tennis balls are quite dangerous to cut open. I like the option of handbrakes or not, seats or not, storage bags or not, etc. But I would be afraid to fall on top of a walker, breaking ribs and arms. I’ve stayed away from these. Am I wrong?
6. Shopping carts: These are perfect “walkers” that can be used even if you take your own walker with you wherever you go. Shopping carts solve many problems with walkers mentioned above. I park next to shopping cart corrals in parking lots while going grocery shopping for myself and parishioners. Here’s a small business start-up idea: wouldn’t it be great if one could buy a light, plastic fold-down seat over the internet, a seat which would snap on to the side of a shopping cart and fold up out of the way, you know, just to take a minute for a break, or to sit down on while getting something from the bottom self in supermarkets?
7. Service-dogs: For this mobility service you have to really start with a younger dog and a fairly large-sized dog. The cost of training for the service they would provide, and to make the dog publicly accessible (no barking, no distraction, no lunging, recall, good for on or off leash heel, etc.)… all that’s rather expensive and takes time. And… and… this is an entirely different way of life. This is a living being which needs food and water and attention and activity and a safe place to run around when off duty, has poop and pee needs, needs washing and brushing and medical care with regular visits to the veterinarian…). Most service dogs were originally for the blind. Now they’re for all sorts of medications and conditions, including for mobility. Regarding the latter, which I’m interested in, I’m thinking that the mechanism is again quite different than any weight bearing for crutches or pulling down for hiking sticks. In the case of service dogs for mobility, it seems to me that this would be all about pulling up slightly on, say, a bridged rigid handle clipped onto both sides of a tactical service-dog vest so as to provide support for mobility at one’s own speed, stopping, starting, turning, juxtaposed to oneself at every instant, able to do steps, canted sidewalks, curbs, ice, snow, wet floors, whatever, with agility and dependability. Upon a fall, one might want to use the large dog’s shoulders for assistance in getting up when there’s nothing else around, such as in the middle of a parking lot, or when crossing the street. And I have fallen in heavy Roman traffic, thankful that the guy saw me and was able to brake in time. We both laughed. It wasn’t a trip on the cobblestones. The leg just instantaneously caved for seemingly no reason, though there is. And I was down.
8. Wheelchairs: Some people can’t stand the thought of a wheelchair and would rather die before getting into a wheelchair. There is terrible prejudice against people in wheelchairs, also by those who should know better but do not act accordingly. But I digress. I LOVE WHEELCHAIRS! I haven’t publicly used a wheelchair for a long time. I can go for miles on two wheels, and did, on cobblestone streets in Rome, without ever putting the front two wheels down. FACT: I could and would do more in a wheelchair for all parochial duties of saying Holy Mass, hearing confessions, doing up Last Rites and Communion Calls at hospitals, rehabs, nursing homes and people’s private homes, more than about any priest anywhere. Anyway, there are ramps and sloped parking lots and hills. What to do? This is what you do, the best invention for a wheelchair ever! This is a reseller. I got my own years ago from the original company in Eastern Europe many years ago, but their family website (Dessiv) was hacked. The link seems to sell for them now from Florida. Great equipment. Well worth the price. And then there’s this front wheel gadget, which I haven’t gone near, as I don’t need this at all, at least not right now, but, wow, very, very cool…
9. Store scooters: Almost never available, and if you do find them abandoned in the back ends of stores, it’s because the batteries are worn out on the far side of the store. Right now, someone else needs them more than me. A question for those of you who must use them: Have you tried to turn one of these massive scooters with the huge baskets around in a handicap restroom stall in, say, a Walmart? And besides: Beep! Beep! Beep! Grr.
10. Personal scooters: I don’t need them now, but I know what to look for, which is narrow width and not lengthy so as to ably navigate small living quarters, bathrooms, bedrooms, kitchens… With these you might have to look into hydraulic lifts or platforms or ramps to transport them.

Shadow-dog is going on 8 years old and he’s the perfect gentleman. I looked up GSDs. Some placed the lower end of life expectancy at 7 years, some 8 years, maxing out at 11 years, or more rarely 13 years.

“The bigger they are, the shorter their life” is all I’m hearing now, or “only the good die young” with Shadow-dog being a goood daaawg!

Shadow-dog was at the Vet just yesterday morning and declared to be fit for bringing, say, to the nursing home and rehab to lift the spirits of those who are there. He would also still be fit as a “mobility aid” service dog, you know, for a bridge handle to pull up on. But… No… Shadow dog is retired. And I don’t need a service dog right this second.