Tag Archives: Humor

Review Board rejects Paul of Tarsus

Saint Paul Conversion Damascus Caravaggio

The vicious, murderous Saul, was graced with a vocation by Jesus. But Lord, he said, they will hold my past against me! I am evil and bad. Don’t worry, Jesus replied, I shall be with you. And so it was, Saint Paul would boast of his weakness so as to give Jesus the glory.

If we go before our judgment and Satan would be allowed to accuse us for all we have done, each one of us, and if God would judge us only on those accusations, whether true or false, out of context or not, we would all be going straight to hell. The faith is about mercy, about the Good News, the Evangelium, the Gospel, not about an uncontrollable lust to condemn all to hell with no chance of redemption, with no chance of salvation if they are not already mirror images of ourselves. The faith is not about only bad news confirming only bad news. Playing the part of the Accuser, damning others with no chance of redemption and salvation, is a rejection of Christ who redeemed all and wants that the many be saved. Jesus said that those who deny him before men He will deny before His Heavenly Father.

It’s time, I think, to re-publish something I came across back in the early 1980s at Father Paul Marx’ Human Life Center in Collegeville, MN (which later became Human Life International in Front Royal, VA), then operated by the famous R.M. I put this up on this blog a few years ago, and have used many times in my life.

A gate-keeper psychologist for vocations to the priesthood for a nearby Archdiocese (he hated that description of himself), passed this bit of parody below around to everyone, poking fun at those in his profession who had no faith whatsoever (slightly edited).

It demonstrates that if one is looking for something to condemn, one can find ten thousand examples even in the greatest of saints. And any one of those things is today way more than enough to have one sent off for an “evaluation” at, say, the homosexualist crusaders at Saint Luke Institute, the results of which evaluation are predetermined by the one who is paying (not by what is actually known about the subject). Dismissals from the clerical state are multiplied. When you have a troublesome priest like the one described below, they are literally cast out of the priesthood. Truly. Pretty much everywhere.

I mean, just imagine, there are those even among the cardinals of the Church who condemn our Lord as a failure for having died on the Cross. They say this with a reluctant and sad voice of a forced admission. For them, even our Lord should have been sent away for evaluation and then dismissed. Isn’t it true that those who only condemn have to look for more to condemn, even if it is not there? The following is a call for an examination of conscience for us all:

MEMO

To: Paul of Tarsus, Independent Missionary, Corinth, Greece
From: CYA Missionary Board

Dear Mr. Paul:

We recently received an application from you for service under our Board.

It is our policy to be as frank and open-minded as possible with all our applicants. We now have an exhaustive study of your case. To be plain, we are surprised that you have been able to pass as a bona fide missionary.

We are told that you are afflicted with severe eye trouble. This is certain to be an insuperable handicap to an effective ministry. Our Board requires 20/20 vision.

Is it true that you have a jail record? Certain brethren report that you did two years’ time at Caesarea, and were imprisoned at Rome too. You made so much trouble for the businessmen at Ephesus that they refer to you as “the man who turned the world upside down.” Sensationalism has no place in the missions. We also deplore your lurid “over the wall in a basket” episode at Damascus.

We are appalled at the obvious lack of conciliatory behavior. Diplomatic men are not stoned and dragged out of the city gate, or assaulted by furious mobs. Have you ever considered that gentler words might gain you friends? Why, we even read in one place where all men turned against you, those of like faith too. I am enclosing for your edification a copy of Dallas Carnegus’ book entitled, How to Win Jews and InfluenceGreeks.

Your ministry has been far too flighty to be successful. First Asia Minor, then Macedonia, then Greece, then Italy, and now you are talking of a wild goose chase into Spain. Have you not suspected that a nice cozy spot in some permanent location might do more good? Concentration is more important than dissipation of one’s powers. You cannot win the whole world by yourself. You are just one little Paul!

In a recent sermon you said, “God forbid that I should glory in anything save the cross of Christ. ” It seems to us that you ought also to give some glory to our heritage, our denominational program, the unified budget, and the World Federation of Churches. And by all means don’t forget the League of Consensus and the Society of Niceness.

It’s amusing to us how you say you do the work of an evangelist when there are just a few of you romping around the countryside. Our method is to spend months in promoting evangelistic campaigns. With a full house, there’s bound to be some action: your methods are too uncertain.

And who do you think you are in telling our church leaders that you long to impart some spiritual blessing to them! Are they not educated enough to have their own blessing? Frankly, Mr. Paul, it’s a trifle too humbling to have plain ordinary men like yourself stand on the same platform with our titled professionals.

Dr. Luke reports that you are a thin little man, bald, frequently sick, and always so agitated over your little church groups that you sleep very poorly. He states that you pad around the house praying half the night. A healthy mind and a robust body is what we expect and require.

You recently wrote to Timothy that you had “fought a good fight.” Fighting is hardly a recommendation for a missionary. No fight is a good fight. Jesus came not to bring the sword, but peace. You boast too that you fought wild beasts at Ephesus. What on earth do you mean?

It hurts me to tell you this, Paul, but in my 25 years of experience I have never met a man who is so opposite to the requirements of this Mission Board. If we were to accept you, we would be breaking almost every rule in modern missionary practice.

Mr. Heady High-Minded
Director of the MISSIONARY BOARD

That could be edited to include more, of course. For instance, one could say that Paul’s words against the rancor and violence of bullying homosexualist crusaders (Romans 1:18 to the end of the chapter) is not the inclusive way to go these days.

We could add another bit of sarcasm in reference to Paul’s condemnation of doing evil to achieve good, which was very much the modus operandi described in detail in the USCCB’s document on medical ethics.

I wonder if we could come up with a list of saints who were dismissed or discounted or ignored or despised by the world and, indeed, within the Church, but who became the greatest of saints. Oh, that’s right. It would be all of them.

But no, really, how about Saint Francis? Remember his conversation with Brother Leo on perfect joy? That would surely seal one’s fate in most seminaries as being against the super mansions that some of our bishops have built.

And then consider Saint Benedict Joseph Labre?

Saint Ignatius was hailed as insane by all during his visit to Jerusalem?

2 Comments

Filed under Humor, Priesthood, Vocations

Pope Francis is Colonel Nathan Jessep

“I won’t say a word.”

1 Comment

Filed under Humor, Pope Francis

Day Off: church shootings, advice from diocese, best DQ with my Glock 19

priest glock

[Humor alert: no need to be triggered!] That’s not me in the staged joke-picture above that I gleaned from another priest’s site who took the opportunity a while back to make sure priests follow the directions of their respective (arch)dioceses in regard to firearms. Yay!

Anyway, the total amount of direction we got the other week from the Vicar General of the Diocese is that firearms shall play no officially mandated part of any plan for parish preparations for a critical incident of an active shooter on the church campus, a mass shooter during Mass, so to speak. And all the parishes are heavily encouraged to have a plan, the first part of which is always situational awareness.

Someone once asked the bishop about what he has surely said to the priests about priests having guns. His response was spectacularly that of a good American citizen, something like: Oh! I guess I’ve never had a discussion with priests about their rights as citizens in good standing as guaranteed by the Second Amendment of the Constitution. I love that response. A just and appropriate defense of self and others is a good thing.

Anyway, back to that staged joke-picture above: just to say, in case you were wondering: I do not have a holster like that as I do not have a light or laser on my Glock. I have not used a Hogue grip for a long time. I do not open-carry.  I do not carry on the side of the hip. Just not any of that, at all. Nothing. Zilch. Zippo. No. I don’t even have a set of green Roman Mass vestments. Get a life. Having said that, protesteth-ing way too much:

  • that’s not to say I don’t have a concealed carry handgun permit with its gazillion extremely thorough FBI criminal background checks;
  • that’s not to say I don’t have a Glock 19 Gen 4 that the factory down in Smyrna worked on a bit, they being very good to me;
  • that’s not to say I don’t keep my familiarity with my Glock somewhat sharp.

In fact, on the day off the other day at the hermitage I celebrated a minor victory with my Glock 19. Finally, a better disqualification, a better DQ, my best so far. I take what I can get. I was shooting the pre-Sept 11 2001 Federal Air Marshal course, which was ditched after the attacks for being too difficult. 5000 Air Marshals were wanted after the attacks. Only 50 could do this course. It was a fast, timed course used before flights. If you did it up right, you could fly. If you were 1/100th of a second over time on just one stage you were disqualified from the course and from flying, meaning you might just lose your job. The targets are small: just the “inside bottle” of the FBI QIT. But I use 7″ Styrofoam plates as an equivalent as they’re easy to set up with “pigtail” wires. Aim small, shoot small.

Finally, 100% and (even way) under time on the first five of seven stages. But then the sixth stage was overtime by some hundredths of a second, as was the seventh which I usually do in about half the time. But any overtime is a disqualification, a DQ. Rats. But, hey! That’s all progress for me. 100% accuracy but not as lightning quick as humanly possible is O.K., and leaves something to shoot for, so to speak. I enjoy it. I’d like to be able to do it cold barrel, and every time, with ease. Shaving off those milliseconds is important, right? Sorry, I’m being silly. I know some people have no sense of humor, especially with this topic.

Leave a comment

Filed under Day Off, Guns, Humor

Shadow-dog commands. No fingers crossed behind my back.

img_20180808_074428692_burst000_cover_top~26542001150157898090..jpg

I’m guessing that if a priest takes a day off it has to be put in scare quotes: “Day-Off”. First on the agenda for me the other day on the “Day-Off”, at about 3:00 AM, was to edit the article written by Father Gordon J. MacRae (About) over on TheseStoneWalls entitled “Assassin’s Deed” (what a fright!), which, this time, included at a zillion pictures. Father Gordon says that editing counts for visiting those in prison. Never an easier visit.

At the very end of the day, some 18 hours later, when I got back to the rectory, I noticed the top picture of this post which came in an envelope from Father Gordon along with his post for next week. Hahaha. This is, of course, what Father Gordon thinks of all my carry on about our intelligence services. Hahaha. Of course, I laughed out loud because, of course, he’s spot on. But, I digress.

Yesterday, a comment came in for moderation which included this appraisal:

“One thing love about you is how much you love being a priest. In another era your affinity for “spies” might have made you a great underground Jesuit somewhere where it was illegal to be a Catholic priest.”

“Another era…” Hmm… Let’s continue on the “day off.”

About 7:00 AM Sassy the Subaru was put in gear for an easy downhill ride to northeast Atlanta. If you’re ever passing through northeast Georgia, I recommend taking Hwy 19 with its frighteningly tight curves. It’s Georgia’s answer to the Tail of the Dragon up from my parish. Anyway, I had to complete the purchase of some specialized tactical items that had been on back order for some months and the order some other items that needed the know-how of a supervisor to put it through. What happened next on my “day-off” at FBI Atlanta certainly raised my eyebrows. But that’s best put in another post…

1 Comment

Filed under Dogs, Humor, Military

“You’re a ‘hotbox’, Father George!”

zero dark thirty hotbox torture

Enhanced interrogation can include the hotbox, which you can see pictured above on the right. The front side flips down and the person is crammed inside in a fetal position for a day or two. Really, really, really horrible. The hotbox itself doesn’t do anything, but certainly attracts the attention of the one inside of it, others having done that.

There are many definitions of hotbox, some related to growing cannabis, some to enhanced interrogation, some to solitary confinement, etc. However, in prison, a ‘hotbox’ is a prisoner who is constantly being surveilled, that is, more than others. For some reason or other or none, he’s got the attention of the powers that be, with the guards and administration always in his face. It’s not that he’s done anything wrong. It just is what it is. Entertainment. Perhaps a psychology module for continuing education.

Today I protested to Father Gordon that he might be more blacklisted than he already is if he’s associated with me, even though I’ve never met him, and only do some logistical things for him. He dismissed that, laughing, saying the worst of what he thought of me, which, he being good and kind, isn’t bad at all. He said: “You’re a ‘hotbox’, Father George!” After he explained what that meant, I protested: “I didn’t do anything!” He said, laughing again: “That’s what they all say!”

Ha ha ha.

If there’s supposed to be something annoying about being a ‘hotbox’ I haven’t noticed. I mean, if it’s not one thing then it’s another in life, right? If anything, it makes life interesting. Oh, that’s right. That’s some sort of Chinese curse, you know, to have an interesting life! I always thought it was fun. Make me the ‘hotbox’! Make me the ‘hotbox’! Me! Me!

I always did like extreme sports, doing things others avoid. It’s a No Fear! thing.

Be careful what you wish for.

How Kryptic can one be?

1 Comment

Filed under Humor, Intelligence Community

GSD Special Ops

infantry german shepherd

The moment you realize your GSD has had more special forces training than you thought he had. This is surely NOT Shadow-dog with dirt-colored camo paint… Or… is it? No, no. The fences at the back of the yard are not the same. Whew!

Actually, this was sent in by a reader bringing this over from conservative treehouse.

1 Comment

Filed under Dogs, Humor

Pontifical Family Humor – Tell Popes what you think, you know, frankly

just me pontifical family

Such a Jackass

A couple of points:

  • Enjoying a bit of humor, if not levity, is very Catholic.
  • I count two donkeys depicted here, don’t you?

Coming up soon I will be departing for some old stomping grounds. I will have to start packing in earnest.

  • If you had a chance to tell Pope Francis something before he retires (if he does), what would it be?
  • If you had a chance to tell Pope Emeritus Benedict something before he dies, what would it be?

Comments are moderated. I probably won’t publish any comments for this post. Be as frank, so to speak, as you want.

8 Comments

Filed under Humor

Flowers for the Immaculate Conception (Evergreen edition)

img_20180213_113059932~21295485113..jpg

Such boughs as these – evergreen as they are – could easily be gathered into a bouquet in the midst of the most bitter Winter – in the dead of Winter – as a bouquet for the Immaculate Conception. A rather poetic phrase, that, “dead of Winter.”

I’m told that conjecture has it that the liturgical color of green, evergreen if you will, refers to life, therefore to hope, therefore to faith that continues in the midst of difficulty. We continue to need that as things are intensified in the midst of Lent with its own color of purple, the color of royalty, the color of the kingly robes of Herod which were placed on Christ in mockery. Being in solidarity with Christ as He is in solidarity with us means feeling the mockery which falls on Him as if it were falling on us. We need the green to bear with the purple. The Immaculate Conception, now in heaven, is both faithless and hopeless, but she knows we need both faith and hope and so intercedes for us.

P.S. Before anyone claims I am a heretic for calling Jesus’ good mom both faithless and hopeless, think about it. In heaven she has vision, and so no faith, and has attained that for which hope hopes. So she is faithless and hopeless. Dante portrayed a sign over the gates of hell which read “Abandon hope all ye who enter here!” But, of course, that sign could be put over the pearly gates of heaven as well. Right? ;-)

 

3 Comments

Filed under Flores, Humor

Dark and stormy Communion Calls. Local LEOs back me up because…

state police andrews

It’s been dark and stormy here, so much so that even in the middle of the day a good half the cars on the major highway had their double-emergency-flashers flashing.

Pictured above (gleaned from the back window digital recorder of Sassy the Subaru Forester) is one of our unmarked pursuit vehicles of the Sheriff’s Department. We like Dodge Chargers in WNC. He screamed about on Main Street and got in behind me for the next six miles. It’s always nice to see Church-State cooperation.

This is the usual, although he was a little slow on the uptake. He took a whole, I guess, 55 seconds to fall in behind me after my very first Communion Call of the day. I had stopped for a few seconds for a picture of some flowers for the Immaculate Conception. My bad. The record for getting a tail is just 5 seconds, a record which has almost been broken a number of times. The local LEOs “assist” me in this way really quite frequently I must say because… well… I’m not sure why.

  • Maybe they think my last three scores for the Federal Air Marshal Tactical Pistol Course coming in at just 94% just isn’t good enough for me to be on my own. Nah.
  • Or maybe Sassy the Subaru Forester looks especially ferocious. Definitely not that.
  • Maybe he wanted to suggest that a donkey would be a better form of transportation on such a dark and stormy day. Maybe.

Anyway, thanks, guys.

It’s a happy duty to give thanks to Law Enforcement Officers. Many have been ambushed and executed in these last weeks. It’s soooo dangerous. The media trash police continuously and create an environment in which such ambushes are easier to accomplish. That’s really, really evil. But our LEOs just do their jobs, day in day out, night in night out.

Thanks, guys. We appreciate it. We truly couldn’t get along without you.

1 Comment

Filed under Humor, Law enforcement, Officer Down!, Thanks

Chainsaws – too cool!

nun chainsaw

The picture above was sent in from a reader from across the pond after hurricane Irma. I can’t make out whether or not sister’s hands have gloves on them or are covered with tattoos…

Meanwhile, I offered chainsaw help to my “Shadow” down on the West coast of South Florida. He said he had an electric chainsaw (awful) for when the electricity comes back on, as there are quite a lot of trees down at and near his little house. But, I’m at the ready! (picture is from some years ago)

GEORGE DAVID BYERS CHAINSAW PICTURE

1 Comment

Filed under Humor

Put “Grey”[!] in perspective: humor

From time to time gracious readers remind me of a couple videos of the outdoor Stations of the Cross I had made while living above Elijah’s cave on Mount Carmel. The stations feature quite a lot of grey. Heart wrenching, really…

The music / singing comes from the cave of Elijah, which fairly continuously acts as a stage for choirs both Jewish (often IDF) and Catholic.

Readers of this blog know that I am rather annoyed right now with a certain “Grey”[!] guy: ♬ring♬ His safety isn’t guaranteed. It’s your fault if he dies. Stop him. *click*

So, one reader, not only reminded me of the grey in the videos above, but, for the sake of lightening it up a bit, for the sake of a bit of humor, for the sake of seeing what happens to “Grey”[!] guys when they are subjected to the intercession of the Immaculate Conception, also sent a link into this ultra-cute video. I had to smile, and laugh:

Thanks go that gracious reader.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humor, Spiritual life

Father Gordon: comedian. Just a little humor to lighten things up

Father Gordon: “Hey Father George, you’re the best priest I know in North Carolina.”

Father George: “Um… I’m the only priest you know in North Carolina.”

Father Gordon and Father George together: “Ha ha ha ha ha.”

4 Comments

Filed under Humor, Missionaries of Mercy

Pedagogy about gender and toilets in Christian Western North Carolina

IMG_20170414_133736

This is great Judeo-Christian pedagogy about Genesis: “Male and female He created them.” The men’s restroom at the Methodist Church here in Andrews is labeled “MEN” and “ADAM” even while the women’s restroom is labeled “WOMEN” and “EVE”. You can’t argue with that, can you? I took this picture from my crowded table at the reception after the Noon Good Friday ecumenical service at which I was the preacher. Our Catholic schools could learn from this, making sure everyone understands that while this is a biological and religious issue, not simply a topic to be forced on others by way of specious social engineering.

10 Comments

Filed under Genesis 2-4 to 3-24, Humor, Missionaries of Mercy

Orthodox Easter: Guns and Emmaus (scaring myself)

IMG_20170417_055953

Easter evening (for both East and West this year) was spent with some parishioners and a young Greek Orthodox couple. The Orthodox fellow (from Wisconsin but now in Georgia) is to be deployed any day now for a tour on the mountainous Iraqi-Syrian border. The father-in-law parishioner just retired out of law enforcement. They set up a half-dozen green post-it note targets some 23 meters out (the Mountain U.S. Army guy already speaking U.N.-speak).

We were practicing standing, using two hands, either hand singly, and then prone, with different pistols and an AR-15.

I did real well with the AR-15. That’s a totally new experience for me, moving from target to target quickly, with double hits on all but one with a single hit. They wanted me to then pepper the larger target as fast as I could go and I got most of them right on but that needs a bit of practice. No, I don’t own an AR-15!

I didn’t do so well with the single-handed pistol shooting. It’s good to get caught out in this way, so that you realize what you need to practice. The LEO also arranged a mag with a mix of spent cartridges so that I could see hidden problems, such as trying too hard. This works well. And I was trying too hard, as the gun popped an inch or so without a live bullet. It also forces you to work quickly to clear jams. The Army guy had a lot of good advice for the both of us. No matter how many years you’ve got in, more advice is always welcome.

Uh-oh: I scared myself a bit when I shot my own Glock 19 from a prone position. I’ve never tried to shoot laying down before. Aiming at a green post-it note with one AR-15 round through it from the Army guy, I quickly put four more rounds in a row through that one hit with my little pistol, so pretty much 10-X with all of them. I am reminded of this scene of the beginnings of recovery from amnesia:

But, no. I don’t think I’ve been suffering from amnesia. I mean, after all, I’m not great at one-handed whatever-hand shooting, good, but not great without practice (which I never really do in that way). So, therefore, no amnesia. I mean, I did do the 10-X multiple times in a row with one hand, if I remember, with a .45, last Autumn. But that had a smooth trigger pull, not like a Glock. No, no. No amnesia. Unless it’s like a mental block… ;¬)

Anyway: that was all after the breaking of bread together at the evening meal on a glorious Easter Sunday. The discussion at table was intensely religious as you might imagine with an American Greek-Orthodox soldier who has a Masters Degree in theological studies under his belt.

We spoke of the cultural differences (complementary) between East and West, the whole breathing with two lungs thing, the excommunications and the wiping out of the excommunications (leaving us with communion), the divine liturgy and the singing and being brought up into the Sacred Mysteries, Jesus fulfilling the prophesies in the Old Testament by being the acceptable sacrifice, His standing in our stead, having the right in His own justice to have mercy on us, our obligation in love to offer a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving, the possibility of another major Ecumenical Council between East and West, and which theologians might be useful to this end…

You didn’t expect that, did you? If not, why not? You might offer a comment in the comments box… Pretend you’re sitting around the fire we had outside as night fell, all reminiscing. There was also some discussion of how it is that John the Baptist gave advice to soldiers about how to be the best of soldiers, and about the morality of self-defense on one’s own behalf or that of others: a positive contribution to the virtue of justice as opposed to the idiotic PTSD inducing lesser of two evils theory that would mean that no matter what you do you are always doing something evil (No!).

Is there a disconnect here? You know, between it being Easter Sunday evening and, you know, guns? No. And you have to know that the Army guy tested me on that, joking a little by wishing me a Happy Easter with all the target practice. Those who are on the front lines either here at home or overseas in some of the worst of the worst most violent hot-spots in the world have to know that we are in solidarity with our soldiers even as they are in solidarity with us. That’s an orthodox truth that the Orthodox appreciate.

3 Comments

Filed under Ecumenism, Guns, Humor, Military, Missionaries of Mercy

Fr Byers still under Pontifical interdict insisting FAITHBYTHESWORD is good

INTERDICT

I have begged through the years to be have relief from this interdict, at least from the sharpness of its cynicism and sarcasm, from the way it throws Mud-Bowls [a hint for interpretation], for it was known from the beginning that there is no possibility of circumstances under which I could possibly submit to ecclesial authority in this matter, that is, to wit, even though I no longer reside in said territory, for I continue to this day to be forbidden to even pass through, or say “Hey!” There is no mercy for this Missionary of Mercy, it being having mercy on those banished to the peripheries at said institution which has brought about my own being cast into the same existential, anguished darkness. The holy angels, I reckon, were never happy with such a result prepared by the highest tribunals in the Holy See (note the exaggerated ecclesiastical Latin of penal decrees ossified by centuries of rote application to like offenders against expected loyalties). I predict that said institution, which started to go down the tubes upon the imposition of the burden thrust upon me, will, should they remain intransigent, no longer be viable within three to four years of this writing. Mark my words.

mudbowl faith by the sword elijah

Although the given reason for the interdict seems serious enough, I’m guessing that the T-Shirt art produced in my honor for the event in question is thought to be politically incorrect in any number of ways. I respond that this over-reaction is symptomatic of our day. Instead of that reductionism, I firmly confess that the faith is spread by the sword as it was when Jesus’ Heart was pierced through (truly this was the Son of God), when Mary’s heart was pierced by sorrow (when our thoughts are laid bare), and this ever since the ferocious cherubim back in Genesis 3:24 brandished their fiery sword (for our conversion), since Elijah used his sword (for the edification of believers and the pedagogical punishment of non-believers), since Saint Michael used his (to show forth God’s glory), since our Lord told Peter not to use the sword in that most dire of circumstances (so that He Himself could have a sword plunged into His Heart).

I recommend that all seminarians get to know faith by the sword.

BTW: The interdict was actually written by the highest tribunals in Rome. How good and pleasant it is when brothers live in unity… Perhaps, as a punishment for my continued contentiousness, I will be sent back to this office in the Pontifical Family (after all, notice the donkey in the painting besides the one sitting at the desk):

Pontifical Family humor

1 Comment

Filed under Humor, Missionaries of Mercy, Vocations

Laudie-dog, famous among United States State Department dipolomats

img_20170216_070024

A retired State Department diplomat has sent in a Valentine, but not for me; it’s for Laudie-dog. As we know, however, dogs can very much reflect the moods of their masters. So…. ;-) At any rate, I must come up with a video of Laudie-dog dancing, because….

I might add here that our famous diplomat got the street address of yours truly wrong. Apparently, that doesn’t matter. It was delivered to me straightaway since everyone knows and loves Laudie-dog.

I recall a similar incident with mail delivery in Washington D.C. Someone wrote a letter to the most obnoxious major network news anchor (back in the day, when you could distinguish), just putting on the envelope:

To: !@#$%^&*()_ @#$%^&*() @#$%^&*(O); Washington, D.C.

It arrived to him straightaway. ;-)

Here’s the deal: the Lord God made the animals to assist us. I don’t think it’s the case that dogs merely imitate us. I think they lead us along to praise God. Kind of the other way around. That’s why I call Laudie “Laudie.” Laud in Latin means praise. She gives praise to God by just being a dog in all her dogness. But we have original sin. But we also have grace. And a good natured Laudie-dog can help us all praise God. Praise God.

Update: A gracious reader sent this in…

6 Comments

Filed under Dogs, Humor

Chocolate Bacon! Merry Christmas to a Jewish Missionary of Mercy! Yikes!

chocolate-bacon

On my epic Christmas escapade to far flung rehabs, hospitals and shut-ins with Jesus in the Most Blessed Sacrament, there I was, just after the last stop, already nightfall, when I was presented with a Christmas present: Chocolate Bacon made especially for me! Mmmm mmmm good!

Now, honestly, what’s the first thing you think of in seeing such a culinary delight? If you have other answers or would like to explain your answer, drop a comment in the comments box.

UPDATE: As of this update writing, there are 26% of the votes for ISIS being the first thing that comes to mind. The FIRST thing. That’s indicative of a national mood I should think. Very interesting. I can’t wait for 20 January when I might be able to say something directly, finally, to the FBI. We’ll have to see what the list of executive orders are. If there is one which reverses Obama’s making it illegal for the FBI to do some investigation of terrorists in certain places, I’ll pass some information along, that is, again, as what I passed on before was illegal (not for me to send but for the Bureau to take into consideration). Meanwhile, my intention in putting up this post on Chocolate Bacon wasn’t to go after ISIS in any way, but just to do it, recalling similar culinary delights that the seminarians came up with at the Josephinum, like bacon wrapped sausage, kind of like bacon wrapped bacon. :-)

6 Comments

Filed under Humor, Missionaries of Mercy

Pope Francis, journalists & bad words: κοπροφιλία and κοπροφαγία

dung snow

When Pope Francis apologized for using ultra-technical terms used exclusively in scientific journals of psychiatry such as κοπροφιλία and κοπροφαγία, the apology was a self-accusation of being inappropriate because of not using more understandable street language, not for referencing the topics denoted by those “It’s-all-Greek-to-me” terms.

The Holy Father was directing those words at some journalists and some readers of those journalists, you know the ones and they know who they are, you know, those who publish false news stories or exclusively run after scandal or who twist everything into lies so that everything they see is darkness with their eyes covered with you-know-what. Jesus himself, mind you, spoke of this darkening of the light:

“No one lights a lamp and puts it in a cellar or under a basket. Instead, he sets it on a lampstand, so those who enter can see the light. Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your vision is clear, your whole body also is full of light. But when it is poor, your body is full of darkness. Be careful, then, that the light within you is not darkness. So if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it in darkness, you will be radiant, as though a lamp were shining on you.”

These very journalists with their ever pious ears and snowflake fragility, were, as was to be expected, ever so violently offended and set off on a course of slander against the Bishop of Rome. He was rightly likening their work to the content of those terms. They, in turn, just to prove he was right about them, breathlessly said that for him to use such words was a scandal and the end of the world and that all is now hopeless and each and every one of us is to become a sede-vacantist and be filled with bitterness and hatred, blaming him for our going to hell so defiantly and arrogantly. They say that he himself is filled with κοπροφιλία and κοπροφαγία, thus fulfilling in themselves it seems the irony that is always required by Divine Providence. Saint Paul gives us the proper attitude:

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are members of one another. […] Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building up the one in need and bringing grace to those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, in whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, outcry and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and tender-hearted to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Those journalists, of course, in all their self-righteousness, turn those words of Saint Paul’s letter to the Ephesians exclusively to Pope Francis since they in their opinion don’t need any such reprimand, of course.

In an effort to rid people of their make pretend pious ears, perhaps it would be good to hunt up a few biblical insults written under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, you know, some earthy ones, in order to demonstrate to these tender snowflakes that down-to-earth language is not always a bad thing. I for one wouldn’t mind at all if Pope Francis used some street language, not the really bad words, but you know, like manure, etc. Anyway, here’s a good insult from Ezekiel 23:20, with this being a pedantic and therefore honest translation, having no fear of the Holy Spirit’s fiery fierceness…

Their “genitals are like the genitals of donkeys, and their ejaculate like the ejaculate of horses” (Ezekiel 23:20).

The tender snowflakes of the time must have had a meltdown. Ezekiel, instead, is really cool. He’s surely the one who penned Genesis 2–3 (my thesis topic), also under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit.

Just to say, donkeys and horses are just fine the way they are, and to be likened to a donkey-as-donkey in all donkeyness (I’m a donkey!) or a horse-as-horse in all horseness is a compliment, but being likened to this or that mere aspect of a donkey or horse is, of course, an insult, objectifying donkeys or horses by a mere aspect in this way. But sometimes, as the Holy Spirit teaches us, insults are sometimes necessary.

No, Pope Francis is not filled with κοπροφιλία and κοπροφαγία just because he rightly described some lying journalists and some of their readers in this way. He said what he needed to say, and in my opinion was right to use those words. Perhaps he should have used translations, but, never mind, some of them made the translations for him. Ah, the irony. But, again, journalists shouldn’t lust after scandal, and shouldn’t lie and exaggerate and be filled with bitterness and hatred. They shouldn’t. The Pope is right.

Perhaps I should call to mind the insults used by John the Baptist and by Jesus himself against the Pharisees and scribes and lawyers of the time, you know, all those references to white-washed-tombs and broods of vipers and such-like. Some of them plotted the death of Jesus, tender snowflakes that they were.

And, yes, I do intend to write about the context of Ezekiel’s exclamations and hopefully apply them in a useful manner to various so-called pastoral ambiguities. This post is simply about calling out those who exaggerate for who-knows-what motivation. It is important not to be lost in bitterness and hatred. It is important to address the topics without every giving way to bitterness and hatred. We must remain with Jesus. Otherwise, we might think that we ourselves apart from Jesus will come to judge the living and the dead and the world by fire. Ain’t gonna happen. Jesus himself, with those truly righteous because they are with him, will come to judge the living and the dead and the world by fire. Amen.

4 Comments

Filed under Donkeys, Humor, Pope Francis

Frances tells it like it is: I’m a donkey

frances

yiddish

Frances is one of my most favorite people in the world. She always tells it like it is, because that’s the way it is and there’s no other way to tell it. She’s the best. But then I interrupted her to say that she should teach me Polish, or better, Yiddish, not that she’s Jewish (but maybe she is). She knows my mother, grandmother and great-grandmother are Jewish. She ran and got this book for me. One of my spies tells me that she actually got it for me a long time ago, but, instead of giving it to me, read it herself first since it seems that it’s quite humorous. And then she had to tell me that I’m getting famous as a donkey-priest. A common friend just published this children’s book which features three priests, her Pastor, dressed in cassock, then the Vicar for Education for the Diocese, dressed in Cassock, and then me, not dressed in anything…

donkey1

Well, I’m dressed in a cross on my back. The donkey is named George in the book. Donkey’s are symbols of Israel as seen in literature of surrounding nations since time immemorial, way back into Old Testament times. Donkey’s give rides to the children of Israel, and specifically, in New Testament times, to Mary with baby Jesus, and then Jesus alone…

donkey2

Donkey’s are always with the Holy Family. Going to Bethlehem, at the Crib, down to Egypt and back, bringing Jesus into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday to be crucified… Jesus is the first born – as Saint Paul puts it – of the children of Israel. G.K. Chesterton puts it well:

When fishes flew and forests walked
And figs grew upon thorn,
Some moment when the moon was blood
Then surely I was born.

With monstrous head and sickening cry
And ears like errant wings,
The devil’s walking parody
On all four-footed things.

The tattered outlaw of the earth,
Of ancient crooked will;
Starve, scourge, deride me: I am dumb,
I keep my secret still.

Fools! For I also had my hour;
One far fierce hour and sweet:
There was a shout about my ears,
And palms before my feet.

2 Comments

Filed under Donkeys, Humor

Followup to preaching with eyes closed: BACON!

It’s true: I’m Jewish and a Catholic priest, and I love BACON! So, I would love to be invited to be a breakfast- קבוצניק at this or that קיבוץ. If this fellow grows up to be a priest, obviously he will be preaching with his eyes closed as he closes his eyes when talking about what he loves best. :-)

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Humor, Vocations